Abigail's Legacy of Hope

Writing

2012-02-11T09:07:00.001-06:00

I have just been so tapped out emotionally here lately. It feels like there isn't enough of me left to try to form words over the last few days. But then I start typing and the words pour. They were locked in their somewhere all along I guess.

We are entering a hard season. I dread spring and I hate that. Spring has always been my favorite. I loved Easter, birthdays, and spring. But now those things are so interwoven with loss and pain that I really struggle with them and tend to deal with that by just ignoring them. Fortunately, my kids just won't allow that. We have 6 birthdays in 5 months this spring. Add to that 4 children in 3 different dance recitals, one child working on his eagle scout requirements, 5 playing sports of some kind, and I can't just put my head under the covers like I really want to. I really really want to. I have to face the world and face the spring, for good or bad.

This season started last weekend with Malachi's first birthday home. Sweet boy had such a good time at his first ever party. His slightly older sister, on the other hand, did not understand why it wasn't also her big day. It's going to be a long wait till June for her, lol.

Then this week, that same sweet boy had to go through some minor surgeries. That was rough. Watching him react in terror and fear that I was abandoning him broke my heart. I love that kid. He is doing ok now, but again Grace doesn't understand why he is getting Popsicles and jello and she isn't.

Next up is Eli's birthday and the day he passes Abigail in age, followed closely by her birthday and the anniversary of the day we lost her. This year, Easter is going to be nicely rolled into that weekend, so all 3 will be within a few days. I want to teach my kids to joy and beauty of Easter, but I'm worried about that dark hole that will be following me around at that point.

Please pray for me. Pray that I can be the mommy they need me to be, while still being honest with them about my grief and respectful of them and their grief. Ignoring the grief isn't the answer. And ignoring the days that bring pain isn't either. It's a balancing act. I guess all of life is. I hurt for my brother in his loss of his son back in the fall, but I celebrate with my friend Kate as she brings home her little girl from Ukraine this week. Back and forth, back and forth. Lord, bring me a sense of peace and stillness in this busy season. Give me focus. I do not want to get caught up in the daily grind and miss the big sacrifices and courage you are asking of me, and I also want to be truly thankful for each moment that feels like just another chore or another repetitive task. I remind myself constantly of what I wouldn't give to do her laundry again or to teach her her colors or to change her diaper. Those daily moments that are so hard are what I miss the most.

My crazy passion

2012-02-10T16:50:00.001-06:00

As most of you know, I volunteer to place and supervise exchange students locally. I love working with these students. I just love the students. With a house full of kids and a crazy schedule right now, I just can't get out and see the world like I would love to do. My students bring the world to me.

I remember moving to England for school. I had my husband and my son. I didn't have a language barrier (or much of one anyway). And it was still a lonely scary step. I want these students to be comfortable stepping out and doing something incredibly brave. I want them to have a great support system and lots of encouragement. I love to see them thriving in their host homes, churches, and schools. I love to see them learning and understanding American culture apart from hollywood's version and negative images and maybe understanding our differences AND similarities better. It brings the world closer together I think. And it's important. It is so important to think about the world outside your own little corner, your own culture.

And then there are my children. I want them to also see the world. I want them to know and experience culture, diversity, tolerance, and love. I want them to know compassion and understanding. I want them to know that the whole world doesn't do everything just like we do and that's ok. I want their lives to be rich with experience. I can't take them to do all those things. Our students bring those experiences to us. We've learned about dancing around Christmas trees, open faced sandwiches, and how to share a room. We've also learned to look at ourselves and our own choices a little more carefully and to even laugh at ourselves a little. We've learned to appreciate what we have and the resources at our disposal already. And we've learned so much about communication.

Hosting and working with exchange students is one of the most rewarding things we have done as a family. This is why I'm so passionate about my students. This is why I am constantly bringing them up. This is why I spend so much time desperately seeking great host homes for them so that those left behind are few and most get the opportunity of a lifetime. The numbers left behind last year are heart breaking. And this is why my own children will take their turn, get out of their comfort zone, learn a language, and see part of the world on their own exchange year. Consider what hosting could do in your family. I'm happy to help you find a great student from anywhere in the world-Brazil to Moldova, France to Thailand.

What is adoption to me?

2012-01-13T17:01:00.011-06:00

What is this beautiful, painful, complicated thing called adoption? It is an incredible work of God. It is turning this

And this

And this

Into this

And this

It is finding children who don't know how to smile

Or receive love

And who own nothing, not even the too small

And mis matched clothes on their backs

And turning them into this

And this

With a family

And life

And freedom

It is a beautiful, transformative work of God that brings HOPE to lives and LIFE to families. The hard parts and the fun parts-it is all worth it.

Grace and Malachi pictures

2012-01-13T15:19:00.001-06:00

Thanks to this blogger app, I can now upload pictures here so much easier! Here are some catch up pictures for the past several months.

Elijah

2012-01-06T06:00:00.001-06:00

My sweet baby Eli, what can I say about him? First of all, his blond curls slay me. If that chubby baby gives me his cute grin and shakes those curls at me, I'm pretty much butter. He is loud, opinionated, and so irrististably cute. He loves to give kisses, cuddle, and is very smart. I love my little surprise baby. He runs the show around here, as long as Grace lets him.

I can see Abigail kissing on him that last morning and I ache to know how they would interact now. I imagine a lot of head butting and arguing, lol.

In March, my baby boy will be older than his big sister. That is so painful. I don't know how I will get past that day. I am so proud of him and I love watching his little personality blossom, but I dread him passing her. It seems so final. I know that is insane. She will have been gone 2 years, but once she is pushed out of her place in the birth order...it just seems so wrong.

So my sweet, chubby, chewable Eli, I love you. I adore you. And I can't get enough of your squishy love. I am so thankful I have you, and I promise I will cherish every day with you no matter how much trouble you get in or how loud you are.

Abigail

2011-12-12T08:00:00.005-06:00

Next by age comes my Abigail. My spunky little bit. I don't know how big she would be. I don't know what words she would know or what new tricks she would have. I don't know how she would look or what clothes or food she would prefer. I don't get to watch her dance her heart out in ballet. All I have left are my memories. Pictures don't do her justice. But both are priceless to me.

Malachi

2011-12-08T11:34:00.003-06:00

Malachi. My sweet, silly, hidden gem. This little boy was shy and got passed over a lot. He was quiet and cooperative. He didn't demand the attention Grace got. He didn't expect to be singled out or given love or affection. Oh, but how he loves it all now. My Malachi, that was afraid to give us a hug or sit in our lap, who was afraid to even look at us, much less speak to us, my Malachi how you have blossomed. You have become the most snuggly, chatty, affectionate little man. You bring me gifts all the time with your big grin. You love to climb into my lap and snuggle and love as long as I will sit. I never imagined you could have come alive this much in just 6 short months. And how you have brought joy to my heart.

In the orphanage, Malachi was serious. We spent most of our time in work-play with him--moving sticks or wiping down boards. He didn't come to us for cuddles and love. He didn't talk our ear off like Grace. He just quietly interacted. I know how shy he is and how hard that must have been for him. He is such a brave boy.

When we first got him out in Kiev, I thought he had lost his mind, lol. The overstimulation and nervousness made for lots of mad-scientist like giggling, hyperactivity, and running. Oh the running. The first thing we did when we got home was buy a stroller so we wouldn't lose him. How terrifying the world must have been. We still catch that giggle and know he is getting overstimulated or scared. We now know how to handle it fortunately. Those early days, I didn't know how we would ever be able to leave the house. The only activity he wanted to do when we got home was sweep. He swept and swept and swept. He will still go get the broom if he is worrying about something.

But now, my sweet Malachi knows how to play with toys. He will walk to the car by himself, where at first he was terrified to the point of screaming. He will play outside and upstairs with his siblings or alone, whereas those first days he would just sit on the couch giggling. And he will go in the back yard and play with our giant black dog, the dog he was so terrified to even see out the window. Malachi, what a brave boy you are to face these fears and adapt. To learn to trust us when you have no reason to.

We were told that Malachi was a picky eater. What we found was that no one had encouraged him to try food. His fear kept him from trying, but with a little encouragement, he will eat anything now and lots of it. We were told he was delayed in speech and learning. What we found was that he is so thoroughly shy that he probably didn't perform for those testing him. He is in fact extremely bright and just as chatty as Grace when you give him the chance.

And my sweet Malachi was living with eyes that were terribly farsighted and so different in prescriptions that the eye doctor was surprised his eye hadn't turned in yet. He now sports and adorable pair of eye glasses, which he is learning to face the world with and not hide in fear.

This little guy still has moments of fear. He still fixates on certain things like his jacket and he can't control his emotions when you take that item from him (say to buckle in the car), but he is working on it. If we are calm and patiently explain and reassure him, he adjusts and will calm down now. He no longer panics that food isn't available, but is in fact cooking. He knows how to wait and that the food is coming soon. He knows to run to me for help when he is overhwhelmed instead of the pointless running to nowhere he did in the beginning.

And wow this kid can talk. His English is age level now, despite an adorable, age-appropriate little lisp. He asks questions, he wants to learn, and he loves to show me his new tricks. He knows that he will get the praise and ackowledgement and he now knows he loves it. He now loves to play with Samuel and his legos or Anna Faith and her music. He isn't afraid of Nathan but loves a good tackle. And oh how he loves Eli. He tells him all day long and watches him with a huge, adoring grin. And of course, he still loves to play with Grace. I love watching them interact. They now argue in English instead of Russian, but she has always been his encouragement and his support. She has been the one he could trust through this whole process. This would have been so much harder without having her by his side to blast the way. And now she hides behind him when she is unsure and he gets a chance to be the strong one. He is learning to follow his protective instinct to take care of those he loves. He is breaking down those walls of fear. We love you too our shy little man. Our "angel boy" as your nannies called you.

Grace

2011-12-08T10:41:00.003-06:00

I know I have been absent from the blogging world. My apologies. I have actually written a lot, and just not published them. I wrote a long blog post on Grace, but it disappeared, lol. I just haven't had the time to re-do it until now. So here goes. I hope I don't lose this one.

I have thought a lot about how to update on Grace. Since I haven't posted much since we got home (I'd rather interact with them, than try to tell you all how they are doing-sorry!), but that leaves a lot of changes to catch you up on. I think my best approach will be to try to tell you what we saw when she first got home, and the many changes (improvements!) we have seen in our little gypsy, but also to be real, I want to tell you the issues we continue to work on now.

First of all, I know I just write Grace, but I call her Gracie (or Gracie-bear, lol). For a time we were calling her by the name she was used to-Ira and Grace, but over time, she started referring to herself as only Gracie, and so that is the name that has stuck. Actually, at the orphanage, she was most often called by her old last name, and that just doesn't work so, Gracie it is. She loves to say her full name with her Ukrainian name, then Gracie, then our last name. So much pride on her face!

Anyway, my little lively one was the leader in her groupa. The nannies warned us repeatedly that she would get her way everytime, lol. We were also warned that she was a gypsy (to which I replied cool!), but that along with that would come sneakiness and manipulation (so, you are saying she is a kid?! yeah, I got that). We saw some of the behaviors they jokingly warned us about visiting her in Ukraine. She would simply raise her hand to Malachi and he would instantly hand her whatever it is that she wanted. When we first arrived home, she would pitch the most impressive fits. Unfortanately (fortunately?) for her, being the 6th child I have brought into my home, a fit, no matter how impressive, doesn't bother me one little bit. I would simply remove her from the situation, let her lay on her bed and get it out while I stood in the doorway. After a time, she would tell me she was all done (with signs at first and words to come). It was loud for a time in our house, but it didn't take her long to figure out things didn't work here the way she was used to, lol. She is also not one of the oldest here, so that has been a little bit of an adjustment for her, but we are getting there. I would honestly say those fits and the demanding have been the biggest issue we have faced with her and the most ongoing of issues we are still dealing with today. In the beginning, I was dealing with 6-7 fits a day and now, it is more like one a week. Big improvement, and not outside of the realm of normal for a 4 year old.

Our other big adjustment issue with Grace was language. She is and has always been very verbal. In the process of learning a new language, little ones go through a period of losing their original language before they learn the new one enough to be fluent. For Grace, this period was difficult. She would actually talk in a baby babble to try to get herself understood. We tried to help her with her frustration with a mix of charades, itranslate, Russian, and English. Now, she is very fluent in English and her language skills are almost to age level. That time in between came at the same time that she was experiencing some heavy grief over losing her caregivers and the only life she had ever known. I don't think at any point she wasn't happy to be here. I expected her to be, I would completely understand if she was, but I don't think she was. She was always willing to find comfort from me, even would seek me out for comfort, but that loss is still a loss. I do know too much about dealing with grief in children, and her grief looked a lot like the grief my other children have been living with. I see less and less of it daily, although we do still talk about her friends, and look at pictures. They will always be part of her life, as will her Ukrainian culture.

There are a couple of physical issues Grace has had to deal with upon coming home. The first issue we had to deal with is that her hip was out of place. It had probably always been. Because it was so out of place, she couldn't pick that leg up off the ground, march, or walk up stairs properly. Our chiropractor has been amazing at helping get it in the right place, and we are working now on practicing using her leg the right way and strengthening those muscles. The second issue is that Grace didn't know how to chew properly. We noticed that she would either hold the food in her mouth till it dissovled, or would just roll the food around in her mouth with her tongue. She never chewed with her teeth. After seeing the dentist and ruling out dental problems, aside from a really bad thumb-sucking bite, and seeing the chiropractor to make sure her jaw was in alignment, we have been working with her on chewing. At first we manually moved the food to her teeth with our fingers and demonstrated how to chew with her teeth. Now, she does need reminding on occasion, but she can move the food over with her own tongue and knows how to chew with her back teeth.

Grace is tiny. She seems younger than her 4 years in a large part because of her size. She is shorter than Malachi and everything about her is tiny--hands, feet, everthing but her grin. That girl could charm anyone with her smile. The problem is that she knows it. Initially, we were dealing with a lot of indiscriminate friendliness, to use an adoption term. She would go to anyone, talk to anyone, hug anyone, and give that huge fake grin to charm anyone-to get what she wanted or to get out of trouble. We have worked with her these past 6 months on understanding who mommy and daddy are, who her siblings are, and who it is appropriate to hug or not. She is doing great. I was worried in the beginning that this problem would last a long time. I mostly kept her very close to me and turned her affection toward me at all opportunities when I saw her heading toward someone else. I also made sure all care for her needs came from Michael or I and that we didn't leave her. I have only left her now to attend my nephew's funeral, to take Anna Faith for surgery, and one night of Christmas shopping. She now clearly prefers me and will actually move away from strangers trying to touch her. I am blown away at how quickly this little girl has adapted. She is very affectionate and loves to touch my face gently and give me hugs and kisses. She will stretch her arms out wide and say "Gimme love Momma!" Oh, she has my heart.

With her siblings, our biggest concern was how the newbies would treat Eli. We had nothing to worry about. Grace mommas him like she raised him. She follows him around, gives him everything he wants, and tells him constantly how much she loves him. Abigail, my love, she is doing you proud in her care of your baby. She butts heads most thoroughly with Anna Faith, but they are finding common ground. She adores Malachi and Samuel, although she of course prefers to be in charge. With Nathan, she warmed up slowly. This was painful for Nathan, but now they are good buddies. If he is sitting on the ground, she will pounce on him and expect to be tickled and carried and swung around--all the things that big brothers are so good for.

When I think back to how new the world was for this little one, I am blown away at how well she is doing and has always done. She had not seen outside of her orphanage walls. She had not ridden in a car, eaten at a restaurant, slept in a big bed, been in a crowd. She has taken to life with all the spunkiness she was born with and that carried her through those first 4 years. We are working to not tame her, but redirect her liveliness. I love her fire and her will. I love her enthusiasm and her passion. She reminds me of my Abigail in many ways--and that brings a smile to my face and pain to my heart at the same time. But despite the fits and the screaming and the demanding, we adore her. We are all so totally in love with this little girl that pulled us across the ocean. Grace, we are so thankful you are home.

And, I will post pictures, but I'm making a separate post so that I can publish this one and hopefully not lose it.

Our Christmas Project

2011-10-02T10:59:00.001-05:00

Walking through an orphanage changes you. Seeing those kids reach out to you, call to you, beg you for any bit of attention-you just will not be the same. The utter lack in that institutional world that these children live their lives in is overwhelming and frankly hard to process. I am so thankful that Nathan and Anna Faith were able to witness this with their own eyes. I'm so thankful that their hearts continue to be broken for those left behind. My prayer is that their hearts are broken for the things that break Yours, Father.

As a family, we commit ourselves to working to help those children that remain. We intend to continue The Hope Project this spring to help families pursuing adoption. Our Christmas presents to each other will be donations to those still waiting. And this Christmas, we commit to help The Circle of Hope with their Christmas box collection, praying that this ministry can be expanding to include our orphanage next year. Please join with us!

This year we will be collecting shoebox and monetary donations for baby house 19 in Nikolaev, Ukraine. My friend brought her Sveta home from this orphanage, but they left behind 115 boys and girls from infant to 5 years old.

How you can help:
1) assemble shoe boxes or donate items to be used to fill shoeboxes
Please keep the contents between $5-$20
Label the outside "boy" or "girl" and rubber band close
Decorate if you wish
Include-socks-white (girl) or black (boy)
Underwear
Sunglasses or hats for warm or cold weather
Small toys-barbies, legos, puzzles, crayons, action figures, dolls with clothing, etc
Children's gloves
Hair bows or barrettes for girl boxes
New or gently used clothing for infant-size 5
**do not include nail polish or candy

Please contact me at bldahlen@aol.com to arrange for drop off or pick up of boxes. I will need these on or before October 22nd to get them to Huntsville. That isn't much time!!

And/or 2) monetary donation to help with shipping/gifts costs
All donations over $25 are tax deducible if made to Circle of Hope, PO Box 4921, Huntsville, AL 35815

All boxes will be hand delivered to orphans in baby house 19 by a group of volunteers living in the area. Pictures of those smiling faces should be up on www.operationchristmasinnikolaev.blogspot.com after Christmas.

If you are out of town, please contact me and I can give you the address to mail your box or please consider a monetary donation.

Thank you!

Samuel

2011-08-30T14:01:00.004-05:00

Samuel is probably the hardest of the kids to write about and this is mostly because he has had the hardest time. It has been devastating watching my deep, thoughtful little boy wrestle with grief. He still has days where he is so consumed with it, or with anger, that he just can't pull it together. We are so thankful for the Amelia center and all the help that they have offered him, but this will be something he struggles with his entire life. He just misses her. His only wish is for her to come back and he can't process that this won't happen.

In the beginning , he was so desperate to be with her that we we were worried he would find ways to send himself to heaven. We are less worried about that these days, but he still has that longing. We all do.

Samuel is my ponderer. He is still and thoughtful. He is quiet, but when he speaks, it is usually profound. He always surprises me with the things he comes up with and the things he is thinking about. Ask anyone that has spent one on one time with him, and you will hear what a character he is. But you have to listen for it. You have to wait for it. It is easy to miss.

He is also a cuddler. That boy can not get enough of snuggles and love. He will quite happily climb in anyone's lap for a snuggle and he hugs everyone. I love his heart. He is very sensitive to other's emotions. I think because he moves slower and is super observant, he just catches more.

I thought his age would protect him with losing Abigail, but I was mistaken. No, he is far too bright for his own good. His intelligence has made him very aware of all that happened that day, and his deep nature has left him pondering it again and again.

He is doing very well with his new siblings. He was the only of the 4 children at home that did not get to travel with us in the adoption, and that was hard on him. When we first arrived home, he had a hard time wanting our time and attention, which was in short supply trying to get new kids adjusted. But after those first couple of weeks, he was getting caught up with lots and lots and lots of touch and the newbies were adapting. He is learning to play with them and is super proud and protective of them. He loves sharing a room with Malachi.

But his favorite always has been Anna Faith. He would move mountains for her. Their relationship is so incredibly special. I love that they have each other. He always stands up for her.

Samuel is a special, unique kid. Please continue to pray for him and his daily struggles with grief.

Anna Faith

2011-08-08T08:20:00.006-05:00

My oldest daughter is a little momma. She knows how things work and is capable of running this house without me I think, lol. She is my helper in all things-because she wants to be. She likes to be in charge. Before I am fully awake, she will have 3 little people dressed and fed. She blows me away.

We haven't always had the best relationship. In fact, I would say, before losing Abigail, we would butt heads more often than had a conversation. She is incredibly strong willed and so am I. It can cause tension. But grief has a strange way of smoothing out those bumps. Anna Faith has gone through heavy grief and trauma at losing her sister. She has been torn down in ways no little girl should have to be. She still struggles with anxiety and fear of losing another sibling. And oh, how she misses her sister.

One of my best memories of those 2 girls is the morning I woke up and found them decked out head to toe in princess gear-sashes, crowns, jewelry galore-each holding a microphone, having a concert and dance party to taylor swift songs. I cling to that memory. Anna Faith and Abigail had struggled to find common ground at first, but that morning, my heart was so warm that they were finally clicking. They were finally the sisters I had prayed they would be. To watch Anna Faith lose that is equally heavy with my own loss.

She is a fighter though, my stoic one. She feels deeply, but doesn't let most see that side of her. I have held her weeping so many times over the last year. I know those depths of loss. But she goes on. She embraces her new siblings with a passion I wouldn't have expected from her before wrestling with grief. She nurtures and loves, and expects nothing in return from those 2 and her youngest brother.

We were also blessed to bring her with us on the second half of our adoption trip. She still has moments of crying for those left behind. I know the experience will shape her the rest of her life. I pray that she never forgets. That she remembers the desperation and the need. That she acts.

On of my biggest worries the first few months after losing Abigail was that Anna Faith and Samuel's relationship seemed to have
disappeared. Before, they were inseparable. They didn't know how to be apart. But the pain is very isolating. Now, however, they are back to being best friends. They adore each other and have the best time. They are a pair. As they get older, that relationship will change, but so far it is growing right along with them.

Samuel soon...and then the ones you are waiting on, our newbies...

Nathan

2011-08-08T07:57:00.008-05:00

I told you I would update you on the kids so here we go. I'm going to start with the oldest and go down. Nathan is my soon to be 14 year old first born. He was Abigail's best friend and protector. Basically she told him what she wanted, and then he did it. No questions asked. He was more than happy to be wrapped right around that little finger. I had thought he wouldn't be very interested in her when she was born. How many 10 year old boys spend much time with their baby sisters? But I was so wrong. She lit up his world from the first day. I don't think there is anything he wouldn't do for her and she knew it. It was a mutual affection.

Losing Abigail has crushed Nathan and has been so painful to watch. But God has used that tragedy to shape him into a young man. Did Nathan need to go through grief to become the mature young teen he is? Of course not. But it would have been so easy for him to become bitter, resentful, rebellious, angry. I struggle with those things myself. Instead, he has shown maturity and strength I didn't know he had, and maybe he didn't know either. He aches for her. He is lost without her bossing him, but he is letting his pain shape him into a thoughtful, strong young man. What a daddy he will be one day!

We were blessed to have Nathan with us during the first half of our adoption trip. He witnessed a new culture, poverty and wealth, and historical struggle, but most importantly, he was able to look into the face of hopelessness and see God bring hope. He saw into the belly of the orphanage and the desperation in those children's eyes, and he has watched our 2 come alive in a family. I pray that the things he saw will never leave him. That they will shape him just as grief has. That one day, he will do his part to make a difference in those little lives. He truly has such a heart for those children. I pray he never gets caught up in this world, as it is so easy to do as a teenager in our culture. What a battle he faces!

He adores his newest siblings. He is the first to jump at any chance to help with them or play with them. At first, they were a little afraid of him, and that was hard. He is so used to children just loving him. He is learning about being patient and loving and sacrificing and caring for someone with no affection returned. He is learning to give of himself without the reward of even a smile. What a beautiful, but so hard, lesson. But now, at 2 months home, I can honestly say those 2 children adore him as much as his bio siblings. They have learned that he is always up for playing, and he will keep them safe. They are learning to trust him, and he is learning to be patient with them. In a couple of more months, I imagine he will be wrapped around their little fingers as fully as he is wrapped around Abigail's. Does this make losing Abigail any easier? Definitely not. He will ache for her the rest of his life. But my prayer for him is that he becomes an active person in response. That he allows God to do a work in him and instead of curling up and giving up, which would be so easy, that he focusing on and points others to what is right and true.

I love you my first born. You taught me what a joy this thing called motherhood really is. I will be thankful every day of my life for you. Even on those days you drive me crazy. I can't wait to see where life takes you.

Bad blogger

2011-08-06T13:43:00.002-05:00

It has been too long since I last posted. Sorry about that! I've been lazy, and a little busy, lol. Things continue to go crazy well here. I know you want a full update so I am going to work this week on getting caught up (with pics!). But for now...

Today we walked for Abigail. I can't express how much I love having the baby steps 5k memorial walk. It feels good to DO something to actively remember her. We are so blessed with good friends who will get up early with us on a Saturday morning to walk or run in this heat. Thank you.

Homeschool starts back the week after next for us. I can't wait. Yes-a little terrified by the thought of teaching 8th, 3rd, 1st, 2 preschoolers, and a 1 year old-but I am just so thankful that I will have them home and we can learn together. And the chaos of summer will settle down into the routine of the school year. It is nice to break, but good to get back to work.

The kids are thriving. I never imagined they could so smoothly transition into our home. No, it isn't always easy or perfect, but it is good. They are learning English so fast, learning boundaries, how to be big siblings and little siblings, how to swim, how to play with toys, and most importantly how love works. They are learning empathy and how to share. They are thriving! They are such blessings here. More about each of the soon.

I have been told by parents ahead of me on this grief walk that the second year is harder than the first. I get that. The pain is just as fresh and real to me today as it was last year, but the world around you spins on and people forget. It is so important to us to not gloss over her. She is real and a part of us. Meeting new people is impossibly hard and I probably scare most of them away, but I'm not leaving her out. She is my treasured daughter, just like my daughters you can see. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue to grieve and plod through this life while longing for our future reunion with every breath we take.

Rocking

2011-06-24T15:39:00.001-05:00

Sitting here rocking my newest son...praying for God to heal his deep scars...they are so deep...and I am so overwhelming saddened that we have let this crisis develop. We, the Church, the hands and feet of the creator of the universe, sit by and let these kids suffer and wait, for years. How does that happen? How do these very real children sit and suffer while we debate politics, culture? While we complain about not having enough time, or money, or patience, or not having the "calling"? When we have been commanded to take care of them. The fatherless. Those who can't care for themselves but have been forced to live in a state of hyper vigilance for years for their own survival. Those who have to be taught what security and safety is. That it is ok to relax and play. They have to be taught to play-sweet babies.

You see, my kids were in a good place. And they are doing so good. And yet, they have suffered without families. Without love. Without touch and security and safety. Oh how they have suffered. Why are we not screaming? Protesting? Demanding life for these kids? Why do we put the problem off on someone else and give a hundred excuse why we don't go? Is adoption easy? No. Is it worth it? Oh yes.

But beyond that, no matter how little money or time or patience you have, it is far better than what these kids have now. They have nothing. If you don't go, who will? How is nothing better than a family? Can we even comprehend nothing in this country? Even those in the best places have nothing. Oh how my hearts hurt for them, and for those in the not good places. I can't even think about it. We think, now is not a good time for me. We need to save money or we need a better job or we need more space. We can't deal with their needs. Someone else will go. In the mean time, the kids sit. They wait. They are real. I have seen their faces. I have held their hands.

Thinking to my time in orphanage around the world and the most overwhelming thought is the poverty. These kids truly have nothing. Even the clothes of their back-as too small, and old, and so very out of style those outfits are-even those things aren't theirs. They are labelled with a number. They are communally shared. They own nothing. I look at my son's feet deformed by wearing shoes too small for him for years and I hurt for the time he waited for me. And he didn't even own those blasted shoes. Nothing.

And here we sit in absolute luxury in this country. And we wait till it is convenient to us if we do anything to help. We give excuses and we say not everyone should adopt, when in fact we need to just step up and do something.

God show me how I can make a difference. Don't let the trappings of comfort and money block me from doing Your work. Abigail has taught me so well how this world and all those things we are concerned with every day just Do. Not. Matter.

Watching my newest son violently rock himself to sleep every night reminds me again and again of those still waiting. Babies with such hope and such pain. Where are we church?

Home again!

2011-06-20T15:07:00.003-05:00

I know you are probably wondering-yes we made it home, yes I'm still here, and yes things are going crazy good. I've just been a bad blogger. I'm trying to soak it all in, remembering the important moments this first week, and work out the quirky parts of my new kids' personalities. I honestly never imagined it could be this smooth of a transition. I am not sitting back though. I'm being proactive. We are working on attachment, behavior, and how to be a part of a family. But all in all, the kids are thriving, the original kids are welcoming, and everyone is getting along. Praise God!

Ira Grace continues to be the little firecracker she has shown herself to be. She spends her days dressing up in every princess dress and piece of jewelry she can find. Her favorite English word at the moment is beautiful! Which she loves to shout every time she catches a glimpse of herself in the day's finery. We celebrated her birthday with hibachi, family, and cake-all of which she is a huge fan of and she is so proud now to tell everyone she is 4.

Malachi continues to be timid and fearful of new things, but he is really coming out of his shell with our family. He is a poppa's boy, but is also quite found of Samuel (or Lo-man which they call him...?). He is a Lego-loving, dog-hating, ball of nerves lol. His new favorite game is asking momma for kisses. All. The. Time. Love it! He is finding his inner snuggle bug and how much fun it is to climb into momma's bed for morning smuggles.

Communication is going well. We are excited as they are learning more and more english, but we are also so thankful for iPhone translator apps when we need to communicate something a little more complicated (especially to prevent a Malachi panic attack lol)

But continue to keep us in your prayers. Our absence was particularly hard on Samuel. Also, those of you who know grief will know that the happiest times are also the hardest. I am so thrilled to have these babies here, but the aching absence of my missing daughter is overwhelming. It feels like a punch in the gut at the best of times. My arms still ache for her. She is so real to me and less and less real to the world and that knowledge causes so much suffering. We still talk about her all the time. Even Grace and Malachi know her name. But, grief is an isolating beast. It deceives you into feeling all alone in your suffering. Abigail, I long for you. I see you, smell you, hear you at every turn. I am desperate for the day where we will all be together.

And I'm hurting for the ones we left behind. The beautiful faces of the fatherless on the other side of the ocean haunt me. I hear them cry for mommas and poppa's. I see their eyes hungry for love and family, attention and touch. I am so thankful for the women who take tender care of them while they wait, and for the facilitators and drivers who work tirelessly to help them find families. But their eyes haunt me. The HOPE shining in their eyes when they reached for me each day-please Lord let that hope live until the day their families come. God raise up families to be bold. To step out of their comfort zone. To step into the crazy ride of adoption. To sacrifice to fulfill Your clear command. If they could only taste this blessing. They would know that the reward is far better than the sacrifice. They would know that these children are so much more valuable than the vacation, the tv, the comfort they are giving up. Give them courage.

On to the last step!

2011-06-07T13:11:00.002-05:00

Today we had our first embassy appointment and medicals for the the kids. Tomorrow is the last step before we can go home! Pray this step goes off without a hitch and we can get on a plane early early thursday morning. We are so incredibly thankful the whole process has gone so quickly. Adoption is stressful enough without the added stress of problems arising that so many people have to deal with.

The plan is to be picked up at 3 am (Ahhh!) on Thursday morning. We will be traveling a long long time with kids who have only seen the outside world for a few days now and a baby that is awfully fond of screeching right now. But we can not wait.

I can not wait to see my boys at home and to introduce Samuel to his 2 new siblings. I can't wait to show these kids their home, and their dog, and their clothes, and their very own machina (car).

It will be an exhausting trip but we are just ready to get on with it and past it.

Tomorrow we will take Anna Faith to see a little bit more of this city before we leave. She really wants to see inside one of the beautiful churches and ride the metro. At 2, we go to our appointment at the embassy. Then we will come back to the apartment and pack and clean and get ready. Can you tell I'm excited? We will be home just in time for Ira Grace's 4th birthday on the 12th.

And please pray for us to have peace as well. Being exhausted and sleep deprived makes dealing with grief that much harder. I am missing my Abigail something desperate.

New lessons

2011-06-05T23:32:00.003-05:00

Everytime we leave the house, these sweet kids run to frantically pack up everything screaming airplane! in Russian. Lol. We have put into our translator that we are going on an airplane, but not now-later and they are not getting it. They are just so excited!

They are learning that they don't have to wear house shoes-barefoot is ok. They still aren't too sure about this one.

They are learning they are allowed to walk up and down stairs without holding handrails and they are allowed to alternate feet.

They are learning how to watch after and take care of Eli. If he is out of my sight, they run to get me screaming Eli! and dragging me to wherever he is. They share food and toys with him and they both say "gentle, gentle" and pet his hair when he is close.

They are learing so many English words. Malachi intentionally practices the words he has learned. He wants to sit and review all the time. Ira Grace parrots everything, but has a few words she actually uses. Their favorite English words..."good job!". Both run around all day saying good job with huge grins. Ira Grace wants to be taken to the potty every few minutes just so we will tell her good job lol!

And they are learning that they love being cuddled-especially Ira Grace. Put her and Samuel in a room together and there will be blissful cuddling. The life of a cuddle bug at an orphanage has to be difficult. Sweet baby loves me to hold her hand, rock her, rub her hair, and cuddle with her. You should see her grins. Malachi is quite the poppa's boy. He follows michael around wanting to help whatever work poppa is doing. He is reminding me so much of Samuel in that way. But he is stiff and not cuddly like Anna Faith. He is warming up to the idea though. They are opposites in just about every way just like Samuel and Anna Faith.

Freedom!

2011-06-05T06:05:00.002-05:00

Sorry it has taken me so long to post! With no wi-fi and having the kids out now, it just wasn't feasible to walk to the mall to blog. We are back in the capital now as of an hour ago. 3 kids are napping and 1 is walking with her daddy, so I am taking advantage of the wi-fi to blog!

Gotcha day was Friday and went wonderfully. We went with our facilitator in the morning to the orphanage to pick of the kids bearing gifts of chocolate, champagne, and cookies to celebrate. We brought new clothes for the kids. Nothing there belongs to them. There were no bags to pack, no special things to grab, not even the shirt on their back belonged to them. We brought new clothes, clothes with no groupa numbers marked on them, and shoes that fit! The kids were a little giddy. One of the nannies asked Ira Grace if she knew where she was going and she said, yes! To ride in the car and then on an airplane! They might not understand the full implications of it all, but there were lots of giggles! They made their rounds telling everyone there goodbye. There were lots of tears, but none from the kids. We promised to send pictures and we were out. They marched out the gates of that orphanage for the 2nd (and last!!) time!

The car ride was smoother, but Malachi is still very nervous. When we made it back to the apartment there were lots more giggles and a lot of exploring. We had lunch and naps, a short walk, and bedtime. I can't tell you how smooth it has been in so many ways. The kids are telling us when they need to potty, letting us know if they get hurt, being so gentle and sweet with Eli, and generally quite content. Bedtime and naps have been no more challenging than any pair of 3 year olds would be. Both are being snuggly more and more and both are doing their best to process all this change.

Saturday was spent playing and getting to know each other. They LOVE baths! Oh my-that's and adventure! They had their first mcdonald's. Ira Grace loves chicken nuggets and Malachi loved the fries. They were very impressed with the fountain in the mall. I'm so glad they have each other. I love listening to their little conversations in Russian as they talk through the things they see. They can both be so animated. Imagine seeing the world for the first time. They have seen so many things in books, but to see things, to go places, to make choices, all that is new. They are making that change so much better than I imagine I would. They have to learn how to be a part of a family, how to trust us, how to just be 3 and not rely on their own survival instincts. Keep praying for their little hearts. I know they will heal. It just takes time.

Today we took a 6 hour train ride to the capital city to get ready for our embassy appointments and coming home! The train was oh so much fun lol. 6 hours in a compartment with a drama queen 7 year old, a busy busy 1 year old, 2 3 year old newly adopted kids who have just discovered that they can go potty whenever they ask, and a sleep deprived husband...we made it. That's about all I can say. Eli is the only one who bled (small injury-all is ok) and we are safely in our new apartment and napping now so it is all ok.

I forgot to mention our grand adventure on gotcha day. Anna Faith and Eli managed to lock themselves in a room at our apartment. Michael couldn't get in, so we called our landlord who came and struggled and after about an hour stuck and a whole door dismantled, they were finally out. These new kids must think we are completely crazy. I imagine it is a bit Alice in Wonderland for them.

Pray for us that our passports come back tomorrow and our embassy appointments are smooth on Tuesday and Wednesday. And pray for our travels home Thursday. So ready to get home to my 2 boys!

Gotcha day is tomorrow

2011-06-02T12:38:00.001-05:00

Please be in prayer for us all and a smooth transition as we break these kids out of the orphanage tomorrow!

First car ride

2011-06-02T04:22:00.001-05:00

Well it is Thursday morning. Yesterday was....ummm...interesting...?! Lol! My 2 newest children had never been in a car before yesterday when we took them briefly to get their passport pictures made. I had to pick Ira Grace up and put her in as she was more than a little reluctant to get in. As we started driving, she started screaming. It was so cute and sad at the same time. Poor thing. There is a whole world out here she has never seen. Malachi had been ok up to this point but as she started screaming I'm frightened, he started crying and never calmed back down. About half way there she decided this was ok after all. She was still tense, but was dancing to the radio and waving at the people. Malachi was terrified!

In the passport office they did great. We had a bit of waiting to do but they were mostly content with the toys and snacks I brought. And then it was time for the car ride back...lol

Ira Grace was fine this time. She didn't want me to hold her. She was content with my arm around her and she was bouncing along to the bouncy car ride. Malachi was panicked. Even getting him into the car involved screaming. He relaxed about halfway through when the facilitator gave him to me. They both told her that they wanted momma. Love! But he still asked a million times if we were almost back. Poor little guy. The capital city is going to terrify them and oh that airplane ride home. Please be praying for their little hearts to be calm and trusting as they meet this whole new world. My Ira Grace who is taking it all in, but it is so much more than her little brain can even begin to process and my Malachi who is terrified of everything outside those concrete walls. And pray for them to get over car fear. To be fair, the driving and roads here can scare even me more than a little lol.

And then last night we had an interesting experience at the grocery store here. The store here is a bit of an adventure anyway. Most everything you want to buy can be bought unpackaged. There are bins of pasta, flour, rice, frozen veggies and meat, produce, bread, cookies, and snacks, which you scoop up, bag, weigh, and label yourself. Most of these things are also available pre-packaged as well. Anyway, we have found everything we need and have had really no problems shopping or cooking. We are used to the european selections and buying bags and their cashiers wanting correct change. Although there are some differences here than in England, the store we go to here reminds us a lot of tesco. Anyway, michael's philosophy at the store is just don't talk to anyone. That way, they have no reason to talk back and the language barrier is a non-issue. Yesterday, the sweet employees were not cooperative lol. It started with one whom I'm assuming asked us if we needed help in the stuff part of the store. After a lot of charades, I think he finally understood we don't speak the language. Then the very sweet cashier wanted me to find 5 cents so she didn't have to make change. I understood that much, but as I was digging the change out of the bag, the manager came over and there was a lot of discussion going on. We tried to tell them we didn't understand but that just led to further explanation in Russian. I understand about 5 words. That's it. Further explanation of the issue won't help lol. We were contemplating calling our translator to interpret over the phone for us but it was pretty obvious that they were not upset. All the body language and tone of voice were friendly and the cashier smiled at us several times, but we were a little concerned when we were being clearly directed to follow the manager and he had our receipt. We couldn't figure out what was wrong lol. In the long stream of words I didn't understand from the cashier I thought I had heard discount card, but I wasn't positive. After being escorted across the store to another desk, the manager told us it would be 2 minutes. We once again though about calling our translator but he came back and handed us our receipt and a discount card! I'm not entirely sure what it does or why we got it but they were so excited to give it to us, so we just told them thank you several times and acted excited and left lol. The card apparently offers discounts to several stores in the mall. Too bad we will only be here a few more days!

Court decree day

2011-05-31T11:24:00.000-05:00

Today was such a big day. Today Irina Grace and Artyom Malachi officially become Dahlens. Today we are listed as their parents on their birth certificates. Today was the day we have been praying over for months. Praise God that this process has gone smoothly and quickly up to this point!

Our 10 day wait was up Monday. Finally! If you have been through this process, you know how nerve wracking those days are. Your kids are not really yours until you have a court decree in your hand. During that 10 day wait, any number of problems are possible. It is like holding your breath for 10 days. Everything had gone well up to this point, but until that document was in hand, we just prayed nothing would change. This morning we could breath again. With our court decree officially in hand, we started the 2nd half of this process-getting the paperwork to get OUR kids home! On the agenda today-lots of driving, lots of waiting, and birth certificates, tax ID numbers, and passport applications. It was a never ending stream of visits and officials and paperwork. Fortunately, all went well. Tomorrow we will take the kids out of the orphanage to get pictures made for their passports, and then we wait. Their passports will hopefully be ready Monday, we will go to the embassy on Tuesday and wednesday, and then we will go home thursday! At least that is the plan at this point. Pray that all the details work out as they need to!

Today was also the day we visited the kids for the first time since the day we had court. We had no idea how they would react, but wow to see their grins when they saw us! Both of them were so excited! Ira Grace insisted that I pick her up! The orphanage director told us they had been asking when we were coming back since we left. I wish I had enough words in their language to explain to them all the changes about to happen in their lives. However, even if I had the words, I know they wouldn't understand. Their world has been within 4 concrete walls for their entire lives. They are about to enter the world. Just a few more days!

And today was the day they met Anna Faith for the first time. They had seen pictures of her since we first started visiting her and both immediately recognized her. Ira Grace immediately went and took her hand. Malachi warmed up to her in a way I have never seen him take to someone. Both were following her around, talking to her, sharing with her, copying her, and smiling at her. If she did something, they had to do it too. I can not wait till they can meet Samuel too. Thank you God for bringing these 2 home finally. It feels like they have always belonged with us. We will always be missing a piece. We will not be complete without our Abigail. Even when they are home, our family will not be together or whole, but we are so happy to welcome these 2 little ones. It is bittersweet.

Today was the day we have been waiting for. The day we have been journeying toward. All of you have been such a huge part of this for us and these kids. I can't wait to post our gotcha pictures this weekend!

They are ours!

2011-05-20T05:10:00.002-05:00

We passed court! The experience was a little nerve wracking but God is continually amazing me on this journey. Even on the way to court, our driver happen to tell us the name of one of the roads we turned down-in English-trust avenue. Ok God, I'm listening. We had court in the judge's chambers. It was hot and a little overwhelming, but an actual court room would have been worse. Thanks for that little mercy. There were lots of questions and we really had to assure all involved that we do in fact want these sweet children. They were very thorough and concerned with the welfare of the kids. I can really appreciate that although it was stressful. It was so bittersweet listening to the testimony. We listened to them again and again saying these kids had nothing, no one. That they had never had a single visitor. That they have no family. They have no legacy. No possessions. No one wanted them. Malachi was actually named after the street he was found on as an infant and his birthdate was assigned to him by the state. My heart broke again and again. But then to hear the orphanage workers talk about how happy the kids were with us. To listen to testimony after testimony saying that our adoption was in their best interest. There were no objections. The kids would thrive with us. Praise God! Yes they will. They are loved now beyond their wildest dreams. They have brothers and sisters, grandparents, friends, a home, love, happiness, and a family. All that nothing had been before. Now God had united us in this journey and all we have is theirs. They are wanted. Needed. Loved. Praise God for the beautiful gift of adoption and love that he has given to families. Thank you for my newest 2 blessings. Born in my heart and forever united with my family. By birth order they are 4 and 5. By order of being part of us theynare 6 and 7. Irina Grace Dahlen and Artyom Malachi Dahlen welcome home!

Court!

2011-05-17T13:03:00.002-05:00

We were told today court is scheduled for 10am Friday morning as long as all our paperwork comes in! Pray that this happens. We are ready! Things continue to go well with the kids. Malachi is coming out of his shell and is more and more trusting. Grace continues to be quite the spitfire. They are warming up to Nathan well. Grace is doing well with Eli but a lilttle rough. We are working on gentle. Eli seems to freak Malachi out a bit lol. Keep praying for us and that th process continues to go smoothly!

We met them!

2011-05-17T12:05:00.000-05:00

What a day! The day we have been waiting on blew away my expectations and biggest hopes. I'll start from the beginning. The train ride was pure misery for the first hour or so. We left after 11 so we were all pretty tired by that point, and Eli was completely exhausted. He was also apparently freaked out by the train moving. There was lots of screaming and pleading and rocking till he finally gave it up.

We were met at the train station this morning by our amazing facilitator and our awesome driver. I can't say enough good things about this pair. They are efficient and get it. I really appreciate their hard work today. We were shown around our perfect little apartment and how to get to the mall and all the restaurants and the we were left for about an hour to get ready to go.

When we were picked up it was a flurry of activity. We went first to meet the social worker. We had heard that she can be a bit difficult somedays and we had been praying about the situation. Turns out, she was out of the office today on an emergency and her assistant, who happen to take a liking to us, filled in her place. Thank you God for that small mercy. We then went to the orphanage and met with the doctor. It is clear that both our children have been well taken care of over the years.

Then the big moment came and the kids walked in. I can't even describe that moment. It was beyond anything I even thought it could be. Grace is a firecracker. She walked right up to both of and started charming us right away. She was saying hi mamma like she says to all unknown adults. The moment was priceless though when she realized something was different this time and she started to say Grace's mamma (but using her given name of course). Wow. Malachi is more cautious and reserved. He is very comfortable with me and completely fascinated by Michael although he won't really go near him yet lol. Soon.

We went back to visit this afternoon. Bubbles were a huge hit for both of them and Malachi really relaxed then. He was chatting a good bit by the end of the visit. Leaving them was really hard and I am sure it will only get harder. Grace was so sad. I should also say she is quite the parrot. She will be speaking English in no time. Malachi reminds me so much of my nephew. We brought both kids a little photo album of home and they were mesmerized. Neither wanted to put them down. We talked and talked about each picture. I have no idea what they understood but we could hardly get the away from them to put up. Malachi in particular seemed to be processing the my momma and daddy idea this afternoon. Both made great eye contact, wanted to be with us, didn't run off with friends or other adults, and were very open to hugs and touch. It is just the first day I know but it was a great start.

In between visits, we finalized paperwork to start the process to get a court date. It can't come soon enough! Our schedule now is visit the kids twice a day and wait on that court date. Pictures coming!

This is what you've been waiting for...

2011-05-17T07:18:00.000-05:00

Worth it

2011-05-16T04:00:00.000-05:00

There is a certain level of depression you go through being in a new place when you don't know anyone. That isn't helped if you add in a language barrier and a feeling of dependency because of lack of transportation. I know all of this. I was ready for the culture shock and the adjustment. It doesn't make it easier. I didn't quite realize the emotional exhaustion of leaving the kids each day. I expected it would be hard but not as hard as it is. I did expect how hard it would be to leave the others at home. Skyping with them both helps and hurts. I am so thankful that I have part of my family with me. I am thankful I have access to email and facebook and connections from home. And I'm thankful we are here doing this no matter if it is hard.

These kids needs families. They need families willing to go through the stress that is international adoption. They need moms and dads who will fundraise and paper chase and fly across the world. They are worth it. I look into so many little faces each day hungry for their turn. The kids at our orphanage are loved and taken care of. Their nannies really care about them and do their best. And still these kids need homes. The best that they can do at the orphanage is not a substitute for a family. It isn't good enough. Each little pair of eyes seeking mine. Each little hand reaching for me. Each little voice asking momma? My heart breaks for those we will leave behind. The hope in their eyes each day tears my heart to pieces. I think of my children at home. Of Abigail. Of Eli. What if they were here? What if it were their sweet little face filled with hope and anticipation again and again-watching other children being picked. If I could take them all I would. How do we sit by and let these kids wait? How did I for so many years?

All of that and I think I am trying to say it is worth it. It isn't easy. But it is all completely worth it. Temporary discomfort for me. A lifetime of reward. For Grace and Malachi, I would have swam here. They have no idea of the life and love waiting on them. They are just thrilled to get a little special attention and extra playtime. Neither ever knew it before. Neither ever had a mother in their life or a relative visit. The others deserve to be picked, love, wanted as well. Be courageous. Be willing to sacrifice and step out in faith. Do you part to end this crisis. Even if just one remained, this would be a crisis. It means everything to them, but it will change you as well. For those of you on this path still waiting to meet your little ones. Hang in there. It is worth it.

The last few days...

2011-05-15T08:43:00.003-05:00

So far...

2011-05-14T11:53:00.000-05:00

The last few days have been nothing short of amazing. The only things missing are my other kids. It is hard to leave them and we are longing for Abigail more now than ever in so many ways. I could never have imagined things would be going this well with the kids. Our days for now consist of 2 visits a day with the kids (one time with Nathan and Eli and one without). Then we walk to the mall and use the Internet. We won't get to visit them tomorrow so we are going to try to explore a bit more.

Some things here feel very European and comfortable for us. Some things are very different. We are having a good time remembering all those European cultural things we had forgotten over the past 10 years and learning the specific features of this culture. We have found the people here generally friendly and proud. They don't smile at you like in the south, but don't let that fool you. They are warm and friendly. We have felt very welcome. Our biggest difficulty is the language/alphabet. Since the letters are different we can't even really guess as to what signs say etc. We can pick up quite a few words now in conversation but we have a hard time trying to learn more because of the alphabet. We are communicating with the kids really well regardless.

The kids. I know that is what you are really interested in, but first for my friends. You are cracking me up with the wardrobe comments. I do in fact own clothes that aren't t shirts and blue jeans. I just don't in general wear nice clothes to the park or playdates or the places you usually see me lol. Expect t shirts and jeans when I get home.

Things continue to go really well with the kids. Grace the parrot is really smart. She repeats most of the English words we say. She remembers everything. And she is terrified of bugs. Terrified. She distinguished between another little girl's momma and her own today. That is huge. She makes great eye contact, checks to make sure I am following her around, loves to give hugs, hasn't tried to leave to play with the other kids or adults, and is just doing really well. She plays with michael's beard and can point to her nose when asked in English. She loves to be pretty. And I hear she is opinionated with her clothes. Love it. She cries when we leave her. It breaks my heart. And oh the squeals when we come back.

Malachi is a worker. He really reminds me of my nephew in features and mannerisms. Even his ears are like my nephews. He is now grinning and running for a hug when we pick him up. He doesn't cry when we leave him but he stands and stares and waves. He has become quite the daddy's boy and is much more chatty. He is calmer and loves to do his work-whatever that is at the moment. He can focus on one task for a long time. He is repeating english words too now and is checking in while he plays. He has become a hugger although he wants less touch than Grace. And today he kept wanting to touch my face. Today I was talking to him and mentioned Nathan and Eli and he lit up. He remembered! He started saying Nathan, Eli, Anna Faith, and Samuel.

Nathan and Eli met them for the first time yesterday and it went really well. Both kids were really cautious at first but by the end of the visit, both were playing well and having a great time with Nathan. Grace kept rubbing Eli's head. Malachi didn't seemed overly interested in Eli but he watched from a distance. He would tell me if Eli needed me every time. We are showing them pictures of the others and that is their favorite thing to do-look at pictures of home. They love all books, but especially those picture albums.

2011-05-12T13:13:00.000-05:00

More pictures

2011-05-11T12:27:00.006-05:00

Got our letters!

2011-05-11T11:29:00.002-05:00

Got our referral in hand! And we brought our passports this time-ha! Michael fortunately caught that they only gave us a letter for one as we walked out the door and we had to run back in to get the other. I'm so thankful he noticed that! This basically givea us permission to meet the kids.

Today was good. We took the metro in and walked and saw the sights. We visited a beautiful church and I bought a cheap scarf so I could go inside. We weren't allowed to take pictures inside, but wow. I don't even have words to describe the beauty of this cathedral. Then we walked to the adoption center and waited...and waited...We met several families there adopting from all over. After we finally got our referrals, we stopped and ate and hit the metro back to the apartment to rest for a minute. Michael is having so much fun ordering in a language we don't speak much of ;). And here we wait until about 9:30 my time when we will be picked up to head to the train station. We will arrive in our city at about 7:00 tomorrow. I will post again from there as soon as I'm able!

Pictures from today coming. I took pictures of all kinds of normal things just for you Kathy. Please keep praying for a fast court date!

Today's appointment

2011-05-10T04:36:00.002-05:00

Well we just rode the metro home to our apartment. Interesting experience. And super cheap which is always good.

Our appointment went very well this morning except for the fact that we left our passports at home. Oops. The lady was really nice even though she must have thought we were complete idiots. We were asked a few questions and then were read bits of the files on the kids. They told us what little information they know on their history. We will find out more about their life after arriving at the orphanage when we arrive in their city. We also got to see baby pictures of each and a toddler picture of Malachi. Oh my heart. We were told we could trade out for these pictures soon.

As of tomorrow we will be able to pick up our official permission to meet the kids and we will take the overnight train to their city. We have elected to stay at an apartment closer to the orphanage so we can just walk instead of having to pay a driver each day. The downside is there is no wi-fi in the apartment. We will be able to walk an get internet access though so I will be keeping up this blog as much as I can. The apartment is also about half the cost as well, so it seemed like the best choice.

We are headed back out to get lunch and see the city!

Today's pictures

2011-05-09T14:24:00.004-05:00

Pray for us tomorrow. Our appointment is early. I will post when we get home from it. One of these pictures took me by surprise. We were just walking through the streets of city and this word was right in front of me glowing in red. I have no idea what it says in this language, but I know what it said to me.

Few more pics

2011-05-09T09:12:00.004-05:00

Pictures

2011-05-09T08:52:00.007-05:00

I forgot to add a couple of details of our day yesterday. First of all, our adorable summer cottage had an outhouse. And a shower in the basement next to an empty tiny indoor pool. Good times. Second of all, our driver's dad was apparantly some important guy in the KGB. It was beyond fascinating to hear his take on current politics in this part of the world. We also went to visit his friend who is a iconographer and we were able to see some of his work. And I loved his mother. She just didn't believe me that I don't understand and keep motioning me to follow her so she could tell me all kinds of things. It was a very warm welcome to this country in a way only they could have done it.

Today has been slow and relaxed. We are supposed to take a tour of the capital this evening and then hopefully sleep well before our appointment tomorrow.

I promised lots of pictures (and even of normal, every day things right Kathy?) so here they are!
At the airport

On the plane

On the ground...Europe I have missed you

2011-05-08T23:59:00.002-05:00

After a long day of traveling (or day and a half-not sure how that works with the 8 hour difference) we are finally here. On the ground. In the same country where my children live. We are finally now in an apartment with wi-fi. Sorry for the delay in posting. What can I say? It has been an interesting weekend. Eli did great. Slept on 3 out of 3 flights. We were as comfortable as can be for flying that long and all our luggage made it. Success!

We were met at the airport by an intelligent, history-loving driver. Because of some issues with our apartment, we actually spent the evening in his family's summer cottage while his mother talked to us in rapid Russian fully expecting we were understanding. Ha! The cottage was adorable and surrounded by beautiful blooming trees. We were treated to a tour of the local village and schooled in local history. My kind of evening. Michael was still recovering from jet lag and the local driving including a tendency to stop and turn off the car in the middle of a busy road to answer a phone. Nathan has been anxious for wi-fi but is going with the flow very well.

Now we are back in the capital in a very modern comfortable apartment. I can almost see mcdonald's from here.

Europe I have missed you and all your quirkiness. We are trying to soak up as much of our children's culture and heritage as we can. I love the pride in the people. There is much here that reminds us of England, but there are elements that are definitely distinct to this country. The countryside is beautiful with blooming trees everywhere. We will be here for a few days and then we will travel by train to our city.

Please keep us and the details in your prayers. Our appointment is tomorrow at 11 our time, which is about 3 am central time. We are so excited to find out any details about our kids at that meeting and to find out exactly when we will take a train to meet them.

Today is victory day here. Victory day celebrates the liberation of Europe at the end of World War II. Most european countries still consider this day a very important day in their calendar. I hear there will be a big parade in the city today but we have no clue how to find it right now so I think we might settle for a nap and a walk instead.

Sorry this jumps all over the place. I have tried to put snippets down along the way and want to catch you all up. Email me or post here. I would love to hear from you all. I can't text here or call, but I will be checking email frequently. I will post pictures soon!

On our way!

2011-05-08T23:36:00.000-05:00

We are currently in the air somewhere between Birmingham and Chicago on the first leg of our adventure. It was painful to leave Anna Faith and Samuel behind. There were lots of tears at my house over the past few days. We are beyond excited to go and meet the two we have yet to meet though. It is a big mix of emotions.

As many of you know, our beautiful state is still suffering in the face of tremendous devastation from the tornados of April 27. My heart is broken for those families hurting, especially for those who lost family members. I know the weight of sudden loss. The feelings of panic and dread. The overwhelming urge to somehow burst out of your skin or the feeling it is going to crawl off without you. And I live with that still. But for me, I had a home to go to. I have a rock of a husband to physically carry me. Some many of these people have nothing left. Nothing.

We flew over a sea of blue tarped homes and debris on our way out of the city. The path of the tornado (one of the many that hit our state that day) looks like claw marks across the ground. It makes my stomach turn.

Last time I flew to Europe was less than 2 weeks after 9/11. This time it is less than 2 weeks after the worst local disaster I have ever seen. It is hard to leave in these times of great suffering. Our prayers continue to be with the grieving and all you amazing people sacrificing time, money, and energy to help.

As for us, please continue to pray for us on this next exciting step. I'm listing some specific needs below. Thank you for partnering with us to cover this adoption in prayer.

- safe, low stress travels (so far so good! Eli has slept so far on this flight but 2 more to go)
-peace over my family in the time we are separated
-a fast court date and a favorable judge
-prepare Grace and Malachi's hearts for a family
-attachment and transition
- finances and timing on this trip

I hope to blog as we go as much as I can. For now we are headed to the capitol city to be given our referrals and then on to our city in a few days. Email anytime. Love and miss you all!

Photog Session Winner!

2011-04-21T20:20:00.002-05:00

We have been so crazy busy trying to get my laundry list of a to do list done before we leave. It is just hard to know how things will be when the kids come home, so I want to get everything done that could possibly need to be done so we can all just focus on getting to know each other. I just can't wait to go but I am overwhelmed with the preparation. I am so thankful to have so many amazing friends in my life offering to help in anyway they can. We leave May 7th!

On to my winner...Rebecca Jolley! Congrats! Thanks all for entering! I will be in touch with the information you need.

Back to my list!

Photog Session Give-a-way

2011-04-13T08:40:00.003-05:00

My fabulous sis-in-law generously offered a photog session for us to give-a-way. Many of you know Becca, but you might not know that she is also a gifted photographer. Check out her work at Rebecca Williams Photography. She takes beautiful portraits of my children even when they are being difficult-ha! Yes, that is my Eli on her page.

For this give-a-way, she is offering a free session + and 8x10. To enter, donate $5 to our adoption fund. Each $5 will get you one entry. After you donate, if you share on fb or your blog and comment here to let me know, I will give you an extra entry. I will draw for this on April 21st.

Thanks Becca! Love you! And happy entering all!

Sari Winner

2011-04-13T08:27:00.005-05:00

Thanks to all who entered! We have one more give-a-way coming up and we are still selling coffee. We really appreciate all the fundraising help. I can't say that enough and saying it doesn't come close to showing you how moved we are. The generosity of friends and strangers has blown us away. The BBQ fundraiser on Abigail's birthday was incredibly successful. Thanks to all that made that happen. No, we are not fully funded yet or even all that close, but we are running out of time, ideas, and energy, lol. If you have any of those 3 and want to help, let me know!

We have a travel date too! I haven't posted here since getting that date last week, but our appointment is May 10th. This means that we will fly out May 7th. We bought tickets yesterday. That makes everything feel so real and close. I am so ready to go. Please be in prayer with us over this trip. Pray now that we are given a quick court date with a favorable judge. That feels like the last huge hurdle for us, and we are trying to cover the entire trip in prayer.

Don't forget! You can still order your own doll-sized sari and help the women of Pune, India at the same time! Details here.

And now, on to my winner! My sweet, sleepy Samuel helped out this morning.

Congrats Kathy! I will get this sari to you asap!

Dear Abigail

2011-04-11T13:16:00.002-05:00

Mommy misses you little bit. I have nothing left in me to say more. My tears will have to speak for themselves. I'm one year closer to being with you again and I'm counting down the days eagerly. I love you.

Today

2011-04-09T11:53:00.001-05:00

Today my heart is broken. Celebrating my child's birthday without her. Singing happy birthday at the cemetery. Taking pictures with her marker instead of her. Desperately wanting to know what she would be like now. And then watching my children try to keep it together. We are broken today.

BBQ for Abigail's birthday

2011-04-04T11:10:00.003-05:00

We are still waiting on a travel date, but time is getting short and we still have funds to raise (and a to do list a mile long! ahhh!)! My amazing friends Eric and Heather have offered to do a fundraiser for us this weekend in honor of Abigail's 3rd birthday which is Saturday. (More on that to come...wow the emotions). We are also still selling t-shirts until the end of this week and coffee as well. See the right side for links for ordering those. And I am drawing for the straight from Inida doll-sized sari, one of a kind, that you can't get here, and that I am happy to ship this week as well. Get your entries in! See the post below.

Anyway, if you are local, please help us out and order super yummy BBQ! Details of prices are below. If you came to the Hope Project, this is the same fantastic BBQ we had there. If you didn't, then you need to try it. I received so many comments of "best BBQ ever!" after that event. All proceeds from BBQ sold on Saturday will go to our adoption fund.

Pick up is in Bluff Park and orders can be sent to Heathersuwho@charter.net. Thanks for all your wonderful support! And we appreciate all your prayers as we try to get through the next 2 weeks of memories and painful days.

Heather writes,
"On Saturday, April 9th we will be doing a big BBQ cooking event to raise funds for the Dahlen family's adoption on what would have been their sweet Abigail's 3rd birthday. If you want to support this awesome cause, or if you just love BBQ,...... please place an order or pass this around. You can order by posting on Facebook, on my page or on Eric's or you can send us an email. Also, please pass this around so we can make this as successful as possible. 100% of the profits go to the Dahlen family! All orders will need to be picked up by 2:00 Saturday afternoon unless you make other arrangements with us ahead of time. Prices are as follows:

Pulled Pork: $10/lb

Pulled Chicken: $10/lb

Whole Smoked Chicken (butterflied) $10 each

Ribs: $15/rack

ABTs: $5/dozen (if you don't know what these are yet, you're missing out!)

Let me know if I have forgetten anything or if you have any questions! For more information about international adoption, please check out http://reecesrainbow.org/"

Sari Give-a-way!

2011-03-28T21:06:00.002-05:00

I am so excited about our newest give-a-way! My friend from our Cambridge days (and mom to Nathan's closest friend there) is now living in Pune, India with her family. She is working with some local women to develop a business making beautiful saris for 18" dolls (American Girl size and similar). These saris are incredibly beautiful. Anna Faith has been drooling over this one all day. Janet's venture is intended to help the women in this city earn scholarships for their children. She tells me that this area of India is incredibly poor, and she is working out a way for these women to help their families with their impressive talents creating these saris--each is a piece of art in and of itself. According to Janet, these women are "provided training, equipment and a chance to work in their homes for wages they set; profits from sells go towards scholarships for their children."

First, I want to tell you how you can help Janet and the women of Pune! You can place an order for your doll-sized sari for your daughter's American Girl doll, or other 18" doll. Each sari is $25 and includes a bangle, gift bag, and bindi. $10 of each of these purchases goes toward scholarships for the children of the artisans. She is also looking for sponsors to help them purchase more sewing machines. These are $160 each. For more information, email help@deedeescottage.org and thanks for helping make a difference in the lives of these women!

On to the give-a-way...Janet has sent me one of these beautiful saris to give a way to you all. This sari is red and gold and comes with bangles and a beautiful bag in the same fabric. I can't tell you how beautiful this traditional Indian fabric is and I am sure the pics don't do it justice. Anna Faith allowed me to use her Julie doll to model. I will be giving this sari to one lucky donator. For each $3 donation to our adoption fund, you will get one entry. Just use the link at the right. You can donate even if you don't have a paypal account. I will also give you freebie entries for sharing on facebook or your blog-just comment here to let me know you shared. I am happy to ship the sari if the winner is not local. We are very close to traveling and have a lot of money left to raise, and we really appreciate each and every donation!

And remember, if you don't win, you can still order one of these beautiful saris for your daughter and her doll and help the women of Pune at the same time. Thanks!

Submitted!!

2011-03-24T11:22:00.003-05:00

We were submitted today! Wow. God is showing off. Grace and Malachi here we come! I will update on DC soon. What a week! Help us fundraise! So close to traveling!

Painting Give-a-way

2011-03-21T21:36:00.005-05:00

We have a beautiful, framed original piece of artwork to give a way by the artist Dan Bourne. It is beautiful and bright. The dimensions are 20"x24".

Here is a close up view of the color and detail:

Donate to our adoption fund to enter. Each $5 will earn you 1 entry. And let me know you if you share this give a way on fb or on your blog and I will give you an extra entry. Because of the cost of shipping this item, this will need to be a relatively local winner. Thanks all in helping us to continue our fundraising as we wait on a travel date!

Baseball Give-a-way Winner!

2011-03-21T21:28:00.004-05:00

Congrats to my winner (and her boys!). We drew for this earlier today but then had to run out to softball ourselves, so I am just now getting this posted. Sorry!

Congrats Mandy Welch! I will be in touch about your Bases Loaded package and thanks to Bases Loaded again!

Lauren

2011-03-20T22:38:00.003-05:00

Oh my. Sweet Lauren. She has stolen my heart with thos big brown eyes. They remind me so much of my Abigail. But sweet Lauren is across the ocean and has never known the love of a family. I would go get her in a second if it were at all possible. But I can't, so the next best thing is to help her family find her. Are you her family? Just look at those beautiful brown eyes. I am more than happy to answer any questions for you if you are interested in bringing Lauren home and showing that sweet girl what love is. Find out more about Lauren here.

So here we are

2011-03-20T10:18:00.004-05:00

I still really can't believe we are in this place--both in the year and in this adoption. I can't wrap my head around it. On one hand, I am in total amazement at God's work getting our immigration approval so fast. We are so close to traveling and meeting our newbies. I can not wait. We were so blessed to hear news of them this week from the blogger that started it all. Corbett--the updates you have given me are priceless. She is at our orphanage adopting her sweet little man right now and who should she see walk by but our 2! She said Grace had little pig tails with red puff balls attached to them and is "just as beautiful in person as in her little photo" and she has a "soulful quality about her." Malachi was hilarious she said, "cruising along, not paying attention" and he has the "chubbiest little cheeks." And if that wasn't enough excitement, she saw them the next day too! She said "they both look super healthy" and Grace talked to her!! She said "she has a sweet voice and said paca mamma (bye mamma)" and she seems "really sharp and sweet." Malachi was "swinging his arms and marching through." I can. not. wait!! We are praying for favor in their country and speed with submission. We are so close to our decade plus long dream of adoption!

And then I can't believe we are at this place in the year already. I can tell you exactly what we were doing each day last year now. I have pictures for each of those as well. I'm so thankful for the blessing of having Eli 5 weeks before we lost Abigail so that I have such vivid, intentional memories of what would be those last days. I should be getting ready for Abigail's 3rd birthday party. It would have probably been this coming weekend like it was last year. I should be buying her spring clothes and giggling at her newest antics. Instead, I am trying to find the perfect flowers for her grave and plan some kind of celebration/fall apart for April 9th. How am I going to get through that day without holding her? And then to re-live those memories just 2 days later. God carry me through. I can't do it. I miss my baby girl and that longing for her is a constant ache in the depths of me.

The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. What a roller coaster this year has been. And then on Wednesday I get to go and share her story in DC. I get to beg and plead for legislation that would save lives, that might have saved her life. What an honor and oh how painful this is going to be. I dread preparing what I am going to say later today.

I am so moved by how many people my little bit has touched. I am so moved that she is still remembered and loved. I am so moved by how many lives are being saved, in part due to her story, through the beautiful tribute of adoption. But despite all of that, I just want her. I want her giggle and her dimples. I want her yelling and screaming. I want her demands and her purpose and her passion. I want to feel the weight of her in my arms and smell her dirty little neck. I want to battle with her over naps and eating and everything. I want to see her following her siblings and bossing everyone in sight. I want to see her play and scoot and fall down. I so desperately miss jump jump jump and her version of twinkle twinkle sung at the top of her lungs. I miss her not letting me hold the buggy while I try to push her through a store. I miss every bit of you little bit, even the hard parts--I loved those the most. Even in all our busyness and our excitement over the newbies, you are always at the front of my mind and I am suffering without you to the depths of my soul. Our reunion will be oh so sweet baby girl and I can't wait!

It's Off!

2011-03-15T22:11:00.003-05:00

What a flurry of adoption activity the past 2 days have been! We had our immigration fingerprints taken last Thursday and so we called Monday to check on our status, and were quite surprised to receive our approval just a couple of hours later! Wow! That is unbelievably fast! Of course, we weren't expecting approval that fast, so Monday evening turned into a flurry of activity looking for a notary to get the last of dossier papers ready. I then drove those papers to Montgomery for apostilles this morning and shipped them out via UPS on the way home. Bye bye baby!

It feels good to get that step out of the way, but at the same time, I am starting to panic-ha! We have so much to do to be ready to travel and to bring 2 children home. I can't wait but I am so tired just thinking about what we have to do!

Lot of people have asked me what comes next. Basically, our dossier will now be translated and submitted to our Eastern European government. We will wait on them then to invite us to travel to meet our children. Once we accept their referral officially (and fill out lots more paperwork etc) we will go before a judge and prayerfully become offically their parents. After a 10 day wait after court, we will be able to spring them from their baby house and get a new birth certificate, passport, visa, etc, and bring them home! The entire process takes around 6 weeks in country.

I have also thought so much about how God is redeeming our April. He is bringing beauty from our ashes with the timing of this adoption. At this rate, we are likely to find out our travel date around April 11th. These children couldn't begin to replace my spunky one, but they are giving us a reason to keep moving through this dark valley. We love them even though we haven't met them yet, and we know that they will have their own spaces in our hearts, just like each of the others. It is has always amazed me how we are designed to love each child with our whole heart, even if we have a house-full.

On the fundraising front-we still have a long way to go. God is providing, but with the speed of this process, it is hard not to get discouraged. We have faith that the funds will be in place as we need them. We are still selling coffee and t-shirts (see the right here) as well as having a new give-a-way for baseball lessons (see below). Thank you for all your support!

I hope and pray that we will be able to announce submission and then a travel date very soon! And I would love to be able to announce that we are fully funded.

Baseball Lesson Give-a-way

2011-03-13T21:48:00.000-05:00

I have a great give-a-way thanks to Bases Loaded! According to their website, "Bases Loaded Training Facility has expanded to it's 20,000 square foot indoor training facility. We now have 4 retractable batting cages, 3 pitching lanes and 5 Iron Mike pitching machines which are token operated. Our staff of professional instructors are very experienced and have played at very high levels." This facility is the it place for anyone looking to improve their baseball skills and have some fun.

The awesome package I have to give away is a $250 value!! It includes 5 lessons with the Bases Loaded instructors AND 50 tokens. This is a great time of the year to take your kids to improve their skills and perfect their game.

To enter, donate $5 to our adoption fund through the link on the right. Each $5 gets you one entry. If you share or blog about this give-a-way, I will give you an extra entry--just let me know in your comments. I will draw for this on March 21st. Help me spread the word and thanks!

DC here I come

2011-03-12T22:02:00.002-06:00

I have been given an amazing, unexpected opportunity to speak to the Department of Transportation regarding the vital importance of rear-view cameras. I struggled with whether or not I should spend the money to travel and attend this meeting when we are in the middle of fundraising for our adoptions. I just didn't know how to use money when we are still working so hard the save and raise the money we will need to bring our 2 home (hopefully very soon)--the sum of which seems a never-ending hurdle at times. However, God has sent some wonderful people into my life and they have committed to help me raise the money I will need to travel in just a little over a week now. I can't thank you all enough, especially the sweet girl who shares a name with my longed-for daughter. I have faith that we will meet our goals, and I have committed to go and speak.

I am honored to go and speak on behalf of all children. I am honored to get an opportunity to share Abigail's story and to plead for our children's safety. I am overwhelmed with the emotion of having to re-live that day. I am overwhelmed with the responsibility and the importance of what I have to do. The weight of it all is heavy on me today. I can't do anything but go and speak for her, and at the same time, speak for all our children. Pray that I have the strength and the words I need to say.

Some facts for you:
In the U.S. at least fifty children are being backed over by vehicles EVERY week. Forty-eight (48) are treated in hospital emergency rooms and at least two (2) children are fatality injured every WEEK.

• The predominant age of victims is one year olds. (12‐23 months)

• Over 60% of backing up incidents involved a larger size vehicle. (truck, van, SUV)

• Tragically, in over 70% of these incidents, a parent or close relative is behind the wheel.

Please visit Kids and Cars to read more. They have stats, information, and vital safety information. They also have stories of children lost to this kind of tragedy. Abigail's story will be there as soon as I get a chance to right it. Read their stories. Remember them. Hug your kids a little tighter and warn children about driveways. Don't live a life of fear, but live a life aware that life is short and life is fragile.

Spa Day Winner

2011-03-12T21:21:00.005-06:00

Congrats to my winner! I know you will really enjoy this package. And thanks to Sara Beth for setting this up for me! And on to the winner...

Congrats Sharon! I will mail you the certificate to the address on paypal unless I hear otherwise from you.

Don't forget we are still selling coffee, t-shirts, and Bead for Life jewelry (I have beads for another couple of weeks). All the details are on the right here. I have a new give-a-way coming tomorrow! Thanks!

Talking

2011-03-08T10:25:00.000-06:00

I've had many comments about how open I am to talking about my grief. To be honest, I don't have much choice. I am the kind of person who used to be very private. I just don't let many people close. However, losing Abigail has made it necessary for me to reach out to others. If you had visited me those first few weeks, and some of you did, you would have witnessed my verbal vomiting. I basically just dumped all I was thinking on feeling on each and every person who walked through my door. And ask my friend Jenny if you think I am exaggerating. That early grief was so overbearing that I felt I would physically rip apart if I didn't. I told everyone everything. I have a little more control now, but at the same time, I still think it is so important for grieving parents to feel like they can do that. I freaked more than a few people out by telling them all my deepest emotions-ha! I scared more than a few people away. Some people are still scared of me. But, at the same time, I found close friends, and we became close fast since I had no walls. I don't want other grieving parents to feel that they need to hide their pain. Talking is vital and necessary. Your grief is not something you need to hide or feel like you need to carry alone. You can't do it. It doesn't make you stronger to pretend you are ok. In reality, it probably takes more strength to say you need someone to help you through this, or, as in my case, lots of someones. I just want to thank each of you for putting up with my verbal vomit those first weeks and months, and for continuing to put up with it now. I have definitely learned that my filter needs to go. That is not to say that I need to say things that are hurtful or damaging, but that I need to speak up for what really matters and not just get carried away in the superficial monotony of daily conversation and never deal with bigger things. I've never had much patience for superficial anyway, but I am more likely to actually tell you that now. If that makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. If it makes you uncomfortable to hear about grief or orphans or anything else I need to talk about, I'm sorry. But somethings are more important than being comfortable. I can't settle for just being comfortable anymore.

Help us fundraise by supporting these businesses!

2011-03-06T20:49:00.003-06:00

We have had so many wonderful offers from a variety of businesses. Each of these businesses has committed to help us fundraise by offering a portion of their proceeds for anyone mentioning our family or the Hope Project. Please consider each of these businesses and thank them for working with us!

Tax Prep: $20 for each return will go to our adoption fund
www.marinotaxprep.com

Travel Services: 10% of proceeds for each trip book by December
www.seasonsofadventure.com

Mary Kay: 10%--book parties or order products
www.marykay.com/krissy17

Flower Cakes Bakery: 10%-birthday parties, classes, orders, super yummy cupcakes
www.flowercakesbakery.com

Spa Give-a-way

2011-03-03T10:12:00.002-06:00

I have a fantastic give-a-way to offer you guys. We are still neck-deep in fundraising and my friend (who is in the process of her own adoption!) has offered me a great package to fundraise with. It is very appropriate for all of us who just went through the crazy fun stress of The Hope Project...

It a gift certificate for a facial, massage, cut and color, and make up application at 'N Vogue Salon and Spa!!

You know you want this. To win, donate $5 to our adoption fund through the link on the right. Each $5 will earn you an extra chance to win. Share after you donate and I will give you a freebie entry.

I will keep this open until March 12th. Thanks for all your support!

Eli's Birthday

2011-03-03T09:49:00.003-06:00

I knew this time of year would be hard. I have been dreading it for almost a year now. This time last year, we were doing much of the same things. The kids were involved in spring softball and baseball. I had just had the exact same exchange student event that I went to last weekend, and I was anxiously anticipating the arrival of our 5th baby. I want so much to look forward to celebrating his first birthday on Saturday with him. I want to be anxious for memories and pictures. But, to be honest, memories hurt and I can't take pictures anymore. I want life to be on hold. I want time to stop moving. How can it still move and life go on without my little bit in this world? I am in a dark place this week. The weight of grief is so very heavy.

My grief counselor says that we can let the grief win, or we can take positive steps to reclaim all it has taken from us. No, we can't get her back, but we can move forward in ways that are honoring to her. That is what we are trying to do. When the grief first comes, it feels like that to do anything would be betraying her. If you haven't lost a child, that might not make sense, but that is how it feels. If feels like if I go to the store without her, I have betrayed her because I am operating as if she didn't exist. If I go to a birthday party, then I am betraying her because I am participating in a celebration when she isn't here. I know that all sounds a little crazy, but that is my reality. I have spent almost a year battling those feelings, a year reminding myself that the betrayal is not in positive things, but in negative. It would be betrayal to shut down and wither away. That would be easy, but not honoring. That we miss her is a given. That we would give anything to have her back is a given. That we don't want to go on without her is a given. But the brutal, disgusting, excruciating truth is that we have to. It doesn't matter how much I lay in bed and beg God to give her back--and I have---that reality doesn't exist anymore. From this point on, I have to chose to make choices that are positive and honoring.

So with that in mind, we move forward with adopting and offering life to 2 sweet little ones. We celebrate our little Eli who has carried me so much more through this year than I have carried him. We pray for a way to be made to go and speak in DC about rear visibility standards. We make a difference in the world. Death will not win. Abigail will always remain a part of our family. I will forever tell her story and tell strangers about her. I will never answer the question how many kids do you have and leave her out just because that is the easy path. But I will also keep moving, especially when I don't want to. You took my heart with you baby girl, but I will LIVE until the day I get to be with you again.

So please, my sweet readers, pray for me this weekend. I have never met many of you, but just knowing you are there helps. I feel your strength behind me when I hit these dark patches. I will need every ounce of that to smile on my son's birthday and not collapse for wanting his sister to watch her baby eat his first cake, to not collapse with the weight of beautiful memories of last March 5th that will never be again.

And to you my sweet Eli. Mommy loves you so so much. I wish I could just simply celebrate you, but everything in life is so complicated and emotional now. I love you so incredibly much. I couldn't have asked for a sweeter blessing that you my youngest. Your smile and your ever present giggle warm my broken heart. I dread this next year with you, but I pray everyday for the strength to enjoy it too.

Tax prep?

2011-02-28T20:35:00.000-06:00

Need help preparing your taxes? This business has offered to donate $20 to our adoption fund for each return we refer to them! Check them out!

Marino Tax Prep

Wow

2011-02-27T09:58:00.003-06:00

I don't know what else to say but wow. Yesterday was amazing, incredible. We had a huge fundraiser for our adoptions. We had a yard sale, inflatables, face painting, pony rides, vendors will all kinds of goods and services, live concerts, and so much food! I have no idea of the numbers of people, but my engineering husband estimates there were at least 1500 people there. Wow. So many people came that had only seen us on tv. They said they saw our story and had to come. It was beyond moving and emotional. God did a great work. I was most excited to talk to many people interested in or seriously considering adoption. I am praying for each of them that I had the chance to speak to, but also those I didn't. I am hoping they will have the courage to take that first step out in faith to do God's work.

I am overwhelming thankful for my amazing friends who came and worked--late into the night, early in the morning, in the cold, and in the blazing sun. They suffered sunburns, aching feet, and tired bodies to help us bring our 2 little ones home. I don't have the words to say what that means to me. We had businesses and individuals donate everything we needed-down to poster board and masking tape. We had people come by the droves from before we opened till after we closed. Just wow. Let this be the start of a great movement in Birmingham. A movement where we make a real difference in the orphan crisis around the world. And we hope to pull this all together again next year and bless a local family in the process of adopting and facing the daunting task of fundraising. Get on board now with the Hope Project.

I am sure next week is going to be difficult to me. I have been so consumed with this project that the lack of distraction next week will hit me hard. Eli's first birthday is Saturday. I can't even talk about it without the suffocating pain hitting. That day was beautiful and amazing and I celebrate my baby boy, but it will forever be tied with losing my baby girl. I desperately wish I could go back to this time last year. I wish I could be celebrating him with all my children. I ache for you Abigail. I hope we did you proud yesterday baby girl.

Why go there?

2011-02-25T09:49:00.005-06:00

We've been asked, why go across the world? Why not adopt here? My first knee-jerk reaction to this question is to say to the individual, "wow, how wonderful you are adopting domestically!! how many children are you adopting?" But most of the time, the truth is, those people are not doing anything to help children-here or otherwise. Distraction is a way to ease that conviction in one's own life.

But the less snarky answer is, while there are many, many reasons why God calls different people to different types of adoptions, and I strongly believe that ALL children need families-domestic and international (I'm praying for that day!!), the short answer for our family is

And

These are the children God has called our family to. I will go to wherever in the world they are. I will climb mountains and swim oceans for these two. My children happen to be in Eastern Europe. They are not lacking any value because they were born across the world. ALL children deserve families and love, even if they were not born here. God loves ALL equally.

And the truth is, if we all stepped up, there wouldn't be children waiting on families--not in our community OR in those countries around the world which are suffering from poverty unimaginable to us in our cushy, comfortable lives-whether that be in Africa, Asia, or Eastern Europe. If your heart is in domestic foster care or adoption, I am happy to help you get started in that process! I have researched it extensively, and I am positive God will lead us down that path one day. At this point though, we are just trying to hang on for the ride He has us on, and to live sacrifically for His purposes, while aching to hold our two children across the sea that we love even though we have never met. What child are you helping?

Walking

2011-02-22T07:50:00.004-06:00

I couldn't sleep last night. Contrary to popular opinion, I do love sleep. I would quite happily nap 3 hours a day and sleep 10 at night. That doesn't usually happen because of the insanity of our schedule but restless nights are just not something I've ever struggled with till last April. Now those nights are all too common. My go to place when I am alone with the darkness and the loss is usually facebook. It is a great distraction. But lately, I've been trying to make myself take control of my memory-not just run from my memory. When those times of desperation hit, I want to dwell on thoughts of her, not shut down. But I want those thoughts to be of her dimples, her eyes, her smile, not death and hospital beds. Those horrifying images like to creep in during the night, and they can be so terrifying that they can rob me of beautiful thoughts of my baby. So I'm focusing. I'm trying to recall one specific memory and dwell there.

Last night I focused on her walk. There is no way I can describe to you how my little bit walked when she had business she wanted to take care of. She hunched over, put her hands on her knees, and did this march step, all with such a serious face. Abigail knew what she wanted, what she needed to do, and she wasted no time in doing it. Even when pushing her babies in strollers- she didn't take a mothering, nurturing, dainty stroll. Oh no. Not my spunky one. She hunched down and barrelled through the living room, and anyone in her way better move soon. Don't slow her down. She has places to be. Every step she took was purposeful, even in play.

I tend to stay busy. God, direct my steps. Make them purposeful for things of You, not just busy for busy sake. I am trying to learn the lessons my little one taught me-boldness, passion, purpose. Abigail-I miss that walk. You always made me smile. I'm so thankful I was able to just watch you so many times. I love you baby girl. When thoughts of you come to me in the night, I look forward to dwelling on those details I adore so much.

Those darn trees

2011-02-21T09:47:00.000-06:00

If you are local, but even if you are not, you might have heard about the disgusting and ridiculous poisoning of the famous trees at Toomer's Corner in Auburn. I have to say, my first thought was-does this guy not have something better to do with his time?! Seriously?! To drive all the way to Auburn and covertly poison a few trees, and then take the time to call into a radio show to broadcast it. Wow, I really feel sorry for him if that is his life. Read the crazy story here if you don't know about this.

But as the evening went on and then the next day, and all I could see everywhere was this story, my pity shifted from just this individual but to the whole state. Seriously?! This is what gets us upset? This is what causes "outrage?" I woke up grieving as always, reached quickly for my phone to head off the panic attack, and all I see are people ranting and raving over trees. If you aren't local, I'm not exaggerating. Out of my entire friend's list on facebook, maybe one or two status updates were not about the trees.

Ok, I get that these trees were a big part of your school's traditions. I get that they are history. I love history. I do. I went around the world to study it. But the emotional impact these people had to these trees was a bit ridiculous. To have people drive from all over the state to be with the trees. To have people calling for the death of the individual responsible. To have people spew hatred about the other school because of some wacko. Seriously?!

Now, on top of that, truly news-worthy information, stories that deserve this level of action, attention, and outrage, get very little. A news story about children dying from around the world because of abuse, neglect, poverty...well that's sad, but the trees dying, now that demands action.

We are facing a catastrophic crisis in the world today. 147 million orphans. This crisis will directly impact each of your lives. These children will grow up and age out of the system. They will not have been loved. They will not have been taught how to be productive members of society. All the cards will be stacked against them. Then 147 million individuals will be put out on the streets. These kids are hurting, dying now whether you see them or not. They are out there waiting, needing you, whether you want to help or not.

Where is the humanity in the world that those children receive very little reaction and outrage, but those darn trees get so much attention and action? It is time that we step up. It is time we ACT. It is time that we give these kids the energy and sacrifice they deserve. I'm not saying don't love your football, or your school, or your trees. I'm just saying love these kids as well. Fight for them as well. Follow what you are commanded to do and show your outrage for them. Care for them. Feed them. Clothe them. Do something that really matters with your time. In all honesty, you can drive down to Auburn and hug on those trees all you want, but quite likely they will just die anyway. If you offer that affection to one of these children so desperately needing it, you could make the actual difference between life and death. Human life.

Abigails's Marker

2011-02-20T10:27:00.003-06:00

Time to blog finally!

2011-02-20T09:28:00.002-06:00

This has been the first time I have had time to blog this week. I have so many thoughts in my head, but no time to stop and put them into type. I promise to be a better blogger once we get through next weekend. If you want to know what I have been doing with all my time, check out The Hope Project.

This week has been full of emotional ups and downs. I feel like I am on an out of control roller coaster this week...but no, not even that...maybe a bucking bull. I don't know, but I do know that the emotion is giving me whiplash. I have had some really high highs--getting my home study in the mail to immigration is a big one! Yay! We are another step closer to Grace and Malachi. The beauty of people coming together to help us with our fundraiser craziness is another. A big one this week is blogger and soon to be adoptive mom whom I have never met wanting to do a fundraiser to honor Abigail and raise awareness for back-over safety just because Abigail's story has made a difference in her life. And my biggest high is continually hearing stories of families making the leap of faith into adoption! Praise God for all of you willing to sacrifice in your own lives to make an eternal difference in the lives of waiting children!

Now my low's-Valentine's was hard. I can see her so clearly last year. The picture in my sidebar is actually from that day. She put her tutu on, over her pj's, put all her hairbows in, and feasted on her favorite dish...chocolate. Her passion and life were never so clear as on that day. This year, we went to the cemetery. I'm having a hard time with how incredibly unfair that is. We desperately miss her chaos. The lowest of the low came Friday, when I was told that her marker had been delievered. It is beautiful, but oh how it hurts to see it there with her name. It is so permanent, so final, and she is anything but. I don't know if I am going to be able to go there by myself for awhile, and that hurts. I love to go and sit with her. It is just a whole extra level of pain to have to stare at her death date right next to her beautiful face. I am so thankful we found a beautiful marker and tribute for her, but I just never wanted to have to choose that for my child, my spunky one.

This week I have also had the priviledge and honor of doing a couple of tv interviews. Thanks in particular to Beth Shelburne of Fox 6. She is doing a beautiful job telling Abigail's story and helping to spread HOPE to Birmingham. Thank you Beth for your very sensitive handling of things. That interview itself had its own highs and lows. It is always bitter sweet to talk about my Abigail. I had to go back to that day and tell the whole story, and that left me feeling very raw. I just wish so desperately that one day wasn't part of her story. However, I also was able to talk about the desperate plight of waiting children. I was able to talk about hope and healing. I was hopefully able to encourage others to ACT. I am praying for a revolution in families locally--appreciate the ones you have, and do everything in your power to help those who have no families.

And I have also dealt with frustration this week relating to some oh so famous trees in this state. More on that to come.

Whirlwind!

2011-02-19T21:19:00.002-06:00

What a whirlwind these last few weeks have been! God has us on a wild ride. Read our website to get all the details of our upcoming fundraiser!
www.thehopeproject.yolasite.com

Dear Abigail on Valentine's

2011-02-14T18:29:00.000-06:00

(our home study is in the mail to immigration! Yay!)

Suffering is coming home desperate to see your kids only to be hit with the reality again that you will never hold one of them again in this life. Home will never be quite home any more.

I miss you more than words can say baby girl. I have a constant aching yearning for you. I doubt it will ever go away and in fact I never want it to. I bought valentine's cards last year for you to use this year. I'm so sorry you never got the chance to give and receive cards. You would have been so excited. We are all missing you constantly and we seek to keep you an active part of our lives. You are a vital part of our family. Separation sucks. I wish I could see you here with your baby. I know how much you loved him in those 5 short weeks. I am terrified of the day that he is older than you. I am thankful for every moment I had with you, but I am greedy for more. 2 years isn't enough. You had learned and taught us so much, but there was so much more I wanted to share with you. I love you my princess. My little bit. My Abigail.

I'm still here!

2011-02-04T18:56:00.002-06:00

I am still here! I know I have been MIA for a little while. Sorry about that. Life has been out of control crazy (as usual!). We had a wonderful response to our bead party last weekend. I still have some beautiful pieces, so if you missed it, you still have an opportunity to buy some beautiful Ugandan jewelry. Email me!

We are also in the middle of planning a big fundraiser. The Hope Project is Feb. 26th for anyone local. It will feature 3 bands, a yard sale, food, inflatables, vendor booths, and lots of fun. Come and support us anytime that day 7-3 at Oak Mountain Presbyterian (who is generously letting us use their facilities! thanks!!) Preorder BBQ on my sidebar!

On top of that, we are promised our home study before Thursday--yay! We will get it shipped out to immigration as soon as we get it and then...wait some more. That is the last step though before all our paperwork is shipped off to Eastern Europe. Malachi is turning 3 and we are so ready to go meet him and Grace!

I am also in the middle of placement season with exchange students. Let me know if you are interested in hosting! We have some great kids needing to be placed for next school year.

And then I am teaching a few classes again to fundraise. Wow, I wasn't expecting that to be the emotional drain it has been. One of the neatest students I have taught so far died a couple of weeks ago. It was completely unexpected and put me into emotional shock. I am devastated for his family and friends and so wish I had the opportunity to know him more than the 2 classes I taught him. It was strange to return to class and have him missing. Life is so short. I can't say that enough.

In many ways, we feel like we are on a march back through the last months of Abigail's life now that we are in February. Please wrap us in prayer as we prepare to celebrate her life again in April, but without her for the first time. The ache is still so painful 10 months later. I hope we are making you proud my sweet passionate girl.

I have also been spending a lot of time helping others with homeschooling, as well as advocating for orphans. I am constantly amazed and the variety of people God puts in my life to encourage me and that I get to encourage.

Ok, that should catch you up on how I have been spending my last couple of weeks. I have lots of blogs I have started and never had a chance to finish. I have several issues I am thinking about and trying to sort through. I can't wait to hear your thoughts! Stay tuned!

Bead for Life-Extras

2011-01-22T13:04:00.004-06:00

Email me to order! bldahlen@aol.com or come on Jan. 30th 2-4. All are invited!
Read the 2 posts below for the bracelets and necklaces!!

Earrings-$12
Beautiful beads in a wide variety of colors and sizes. Each pair comes with its own cloth bag.

Jewelry Bags-$20
I only have 3 of these. Specify your choice when ordering. These are satin and Anna Faith has been drooling over them since they arrived.

Lip Balm-$5
Peppermint lip balm made with organic Ugandan shea butter.

Shea butter soap-$5
African lemongrass and lavender

Bead for Life-Bracelets

2011-01-22T12:41:00.007-06:00

The colors for these are brighter than they are showing up on my camera. I can find bracelets to match most of the necklace colors (see below for the necklaces!!), so if you want a matching set, let me know. bldahlen@aol.com to order

Bangle Bracelets-$7
Beautiful bracelets with lots of colors available. The beads are medium and equal in color and size throughout each bracelet.

Katogo Bracelets-$7These bracelets are multi-colored and have beads of multi-sizes. The beads are small in size.

3 Strand Bracelets-$18
These bracelets are made of 3 connected strands of beads. The beads are small and equal in size and of the same color in each bracelet.

Band Bracelets-$18
These bracelets are made with long, skinny beads. Each bracelet has 2-4 colors in a beautiful design.

Bead for Life-necklaces

2011-01-22T11:59:00.012-06:00

These are the most gorgeous handmade beads and jewelry. I will be hosting a party so that you can come in person to check out the beads and purchase at that time, or you can purchase here on my blog. All purchases will benefit both the Bead for Life ministry and our adoptions. Bead for life is an organization which "creates sustainable opportunies for women to life their families out of extreme poverty." Win-Win!

I am going to post some examples of each style. I have quite a variety of colors, so if you find a style you like, but don't see a color you like, email me and I will send you more pictures of what you are looking for. These also look great layered up--long and short of the same style.

To purchase any of these items, email me at bldahlen@aol.com and specify style and color. I am happy to ship them to you if you are not local or meet you to deliver if you are close. Thanks for looking!

Single Short necklace-$15
These are equal sized beads of similar color on each strand and are about 18 inches long. There are some that are a little chunkier in bead size than others, but all are mostly medium sized beads

Single Long necklaces-$20
These are just like the shorter necklaces above, but are about 38 inches.

Katogo Short Necklaces-$15These necklaces are about 18 inches long. They have small beads at a variety of sizes and colors on each strand.

Katogo Long Necklaces-$20
The style is the same as the shorter katogo necklaces, but they are 36-44 inches long.

3-Strand Necklaces-$25
Each of these necklaces has 3 attached strands and measure about 18 inches. The beads are equal in size and match in color for the whole of each necklace. The beads are small sized.

Madaala Necklaces-$30
These necklaces area bout 21 inches long and are very chunky. The beads build in size and are large in the middle, smaller on both ends. The colors are beautiful on these necklaces.

And the homeschool books winner is...

2011-01-22T11:43:00.004-06:00

Congrats to my winner! Samuel has been waiting all week for his "turn" to draw, lol. He is so excited to help out.

Congrats Jenn! I will contact you about getting this set to you! If the email address your paypal came through isn't the best way to contact you, please contact me at bldahlen@aol.com

Updates

2011-01-21T14:20:00.006-06:00

Still no home study...hopefully soon...sooo ready to send it off to immigration for the next step...

We are in the middle of several fundraisers. Keep up on the side. We are still selling coffee from Just Love Coffee and the most awesome adoption awareness t-shirts ever from Adoption Bug, as well as Thirty-One products.

I am giving away a set of homeschool books tomorrow.

We are now taking pre-orders (if you are local) for BBQ. The sign up is to the right here and you can submit it directly off my blog to order. 8th Deadly Sin BBQ is amazing. Pick up will be at our huge yard sale/concert/festival event on Feb. 26th.

AND, I got beads in today for Bead for Life! That party will be Jan 30th 2-4 for those that are local. If you are not local, or can't come that day, I am going to post pieces for sale here so you can order through my blog. They are all gorgeous--necklaces, bracelets, earrings--and there is a huge variety of color. You are helping 2 great causes when you purchase these pieces. I will be working on getting those on here tonight.

The couponing class (if you are local) is Feb. 20th. I have only a couple of spots left. Email if you want one.

Thanks for all your help in donating and helping us get the word out!!!

My middle child

2011-01-19T11:27:00.002-06:00

Samuel has a current fascination with “reading” his little Bible. He can’t actually read most of the tiny print, but he spends much of his day curled up with the little book, flipping pages with no pictures. I asked him last night why he is so interested in reading the Bible and his response was, “because God loves us all the time.” Wow, what a beautiful work of healing my God is doing in the heart of my middle child.

Samuel is a deep thinker. He is the kid who will be still and play for hours. He is happy to be alone with his thoughts. He plays well with others, but he is just as happy on his own. He has a vivid imagination and thinks deeply about everything. It is rare that those thoughts express themselves, but when they do, hold on to your hat. He will blow you away with the depth and complexity of his little brain. You will start to think you have a handle on how much he observes and understands, and then out comes something seriously profound. I am always in amazement. That said, he doesn’t show his emotion, his pain, on his face much of the time, and he rarely shows it in his behavior, but he dwells on it deep in his brain.

He has so deeply grieved his sister. Their relationship was tumultuous at best. Samuel’s calm and peaceful nature always clashed with Abigails…ummm..passion..spunk. To put it frank, she picked on him, and my sensitive boy never quite understood that. The unresolved personality conflict has caused his grief to be more complicated than you would imagine for a 4 then 5 year old. Add to that the depths of his brain, and I have spent many an hour on my knees for my boy.
Most people could see changes in his behavior. But most couldn’t see the depths of his pain like I could. I can see it in his eyes. His eyes are very expressive, even when his face is not. I saw rebellion in him. I saw anger, frustration, confusion. Many of the things he said over those so difficult months were painful for me to hear. I couldn’t fix this for him. As a mother, that is such a helpless feeling. His personality did a 180. I saw major evidence of this in his relationship with Abigail’s best friend. He is the same age as Abigail. Samuel would yell at him and was continually angry with him. I think he was projecting a bit of his unresolved feelings about Abigail. These have been tough days.

Yesterday, Samuel found a car to give to this little boy because he knew how much he would like it. Wow, what a change. Yesterday, he read his Bible all day long. Yesterday, he smiled at me and I didn’t see that haunting pain. Yesterday we talked about Abigail with smiles and laughter, and we talked about adoption and the future. He still longs for his sister, but there is healing. I know he will always long for her. I know that he will have to come back through this grief journey again and again, but God has given me such hope in His beauty in these ashes of my son’s life.

What has made the difference? It all goes back to Love. In the beginning we were focusing on the idea of an accident and that this accident wasn’t his fault. In time we as parents, but also his counselors could see that he was just shutting down. He wasn’t arguing with us about the fault issue, but he was just trusting us less and less with how he was really feeling. He wasn’t buying it. We shifted our focus to forgiveness. We began talking to him about forgiving others and Abigail forgiving him, but along with that, God’s forgiveness that is freely offered to us all. We all know that burden of needing forgiveness for a variety of serious and not so serious offenses. Samuel was carrying that burden—a burden too heavy for most adults, and the only way to move out from underneath it is to ask for forgiveness. Once he did that, we have seen the most beautiful freedom again. I can see a physical change in him. He looks lighter. His eyes have hope. He asked for forgiveness and felt the freedom from the burden of guilt and blame. The transformation has made my heart soar.

We have a long road to go. Healing will take a long time. Grieving will last forever. But God has given us hope again. The cycle will only be complete when we are with her again and we are complete again. Until then, I am trusting God to carry my little ones through. Because, “God loves us all the time.”

And the winner who will be sporting a new haircut and color is...

2011-01-18T18:15:00.004-06:00

Congrats to my winner! We had lots of entries on this one! I love drawing for these things. It is so much fun giving something away and I am always so eager to know whose name is going to come out, lol. This time my beautiful oldest daughter helped me out. I know you will love your haircut from my friend Kate. She is super talented and can hold a great conversation as well. You are in for a treat!

Congrats Mary! I will be in touch to get you Kate's contact info.

The Hope Project--how you can help!

2011-01-16T11:50:00.002-06:00

If you are local...We are planning a huge event to fundraise our adoptions. This event will be a yard sale, but we will also have free live music, family-friendly activities, food vendors, a variety of businesses with booths, giveaways/prizes/auctions, and lots of fun! We hope to make this event an annual thing which will raise money to donate to adopting families, but also to donate to the church's mission program that is hosting the event. We need lots of help! These are the specific things we need. I know there are a lot of things here, but please read to the end to see if there is some area we need that you might know about. Please let me know how you can help!

1. First priority!! We need a location!! We have a couple of locations in the works, but nothing definite. To be able to advertise (we have some great opportunities open to us for advertising!), we need to be able to be specific. We are looking at Feb. 26th. If you know of a location we could hold a yard sale, concert, festival type of event, please let me know as soon as possible!!

2. We need volunteers to work the yard sale

3. We need donations for the yard sale. Please send these already tagged with reasonable prices. It would be best if you could drop these off the day before the event at the location, but if you need to drop them off early, please contact me.

4. We are looking for businesses wanting to advertise in a booklet to be handed out at the event. More details available if you are interested.

5. We are looking for business to set up booths to sell and share about their services. A booth is $25. Contact me if you are interested.

6. We are looking for bouncy houses, snow cones, fun for famililes type of activities. Contact me if you have these available.

7. We need people who can help us find advertisers for the event, business who want to advertise with us, food donations from local grocery stores, and donations to be given away at the event.

8. We will be pre selling bbq from the fabulous Eric Jackson. Info coming soon about how to put your order in.

9. We need someone willing to help us manage the giveaways/door prizes/silent auctions we will be running.

10. And we need to advertise! If you have contacts with newspapers, radio, tv, etc, please hook us up!

And the soaker winner is...

2011-01-15T16:24:00.005-06:00

Congrats to my winner of a super adorable, amazingly crafted wool soaker from the ultra talented hands of my dear friend Mandy Welch! (How is that for adjectives??) I have a super cute helper this time. He was so excited to get to draw a name and was thrilled for you even though he doesn't know you--ha! I will be in touch with getting this to you. Enjoy!

(And I have no idea why my pictures emailed sideways and I don't have time to figure out how to turn them around right now--sorry!!)

Homeschool Giveaway!!

2011-01-15T14:05:00.002-06:00

My biggest homeschool inspiration, without a doubt, is The Well-Trained Mind. This book changed my homeschool world and has had a huge impact on our lives. I was floundering until I read this book. The logical clarity and vision of well educated kids was exactly what I was looking for. I didn't just want to get through curriculum and meet basic standards, I wanted to educate my kids. I wanted them to speak a common cultural language with the rest of the educated population. I wanted them to read great books, to quote Plato, and to know how to write an argument. This book shows me how to get there. If you haven't read it, do. If you homeschool, it is a must read. If you are thinking about homeschooling, start here. If you never want to homeschool, still read it. I can't say enough good things about it. While I don't do everything exactly as the authors say here, I do follow their scope and sequence and, especially in the older grades, I pull much of our homeschool from this book.

The authors--Susan Bauer and Jessie Wise--have also started writing curriculum to go along with the book. My super favorite-I-can't-say-enough-good-things-about history curriculum, Story of the World, is written by Bauer. Do not miss this one. And don't leave out the activity book.

My dear friend Kathy, knowing my love of the Well-Trained Mind, and knowing our need to raise adoption funds, wrote to the lovely ladies of Peace Hill Press and requested something from their fabulous collection to giveaway. And they responded! I am so super pleased to be offering to you homeschoolers (and soon to be homeschoolers) the newly redesigned and republished editions of First Language Lessons years 1 and 2. I have and use the original version myself. This is a thorough, detailed grammar curriculum written by Wise. She uses "dictation exercises, narration, picture study, and other classical techniques" to give your student a complete language curriculum for years 1 and 2 (roughly 1st and 2nd grade, although I use this in K5 and 1st). Originally these were published in one volume, but the newly redesigned version is separated in a much clearer format. Anna Faith is using the 3rd level of this curriculum this year and it is excellent. I couldn't be more pleased. I would say that if your child struggles with grammer or you have been using a weaker program, level 1 and 2 would be very appropriate for a 3rd grade student as well.

To one lucky donator to our adoption fund, I will give both volumes 1 and 2 of the newly designed First Language Lessons, AND the audio companion CD that accompanies the curriculum. Two years of language curriculum! Just donate using our button on the right. Each $5 will get you one chance. And if you share this, and let me know, I will give you an extra one free. Please don't forget to comment here on my blog or email me directly to make sure I give you appropriate credit! I will be happy to ship this to you if you are not local. Thanks!

Adoption t-shirts!

2011-01-14T18:40:00.004-06:00

Check out our newest fundraiser! We are so excited to make these t-shirts available for purchase. They have wonderful messages to raise adoption awareness. You will be helping our adoption, but also helping spread the word about the orphan crisis. I, myself, love the one in the middle that says "How do you read 147 million orphans? ONE at a time!"

Shop, share, help us out! Thanks!

http://www.adoptionbug.com/thedahlens/

Our homeschooling journey

2011-01-14T10:07:00.003-06:00

I used to think homeschoolers were completely insane. Why would anyone want to do that?? Oh no, I knew the plans I had for my life. I wanted to have 2 kids. I wanted to work full-time. There was no way I would stay at home. I wanted to change the world. And homeschooled kids are weird aren't they?

That all started to change about the time I was birthing my first born. I was literally in the hospital, contracting, about to push when it hit me. If I was going to only have 2 kids, then I only got to do this one more time, and I knew that wasn't enough. I said then that I wanted 4 kids. 2 of each.

During those first few years with Nathan, I questioned again and again why his teachers would get to spend so much more time with him than I would. That never made sense to me. You see, I enjoy my children. I do. I am one of those crazy people who really just loves to spend time with them. Yes, they can get on my nerves. And I adore my alone time. But the awareness that life is short and they will be grown and moved out so soon came to me early. I know that all too well now. I hunger for time with them. I love knowing them--every bit of them. So early on, I questioned the send-them-off-all-day approach, but that never changed my plans. Homeschooling never entered my equation. Remember, homeschoolers are insane and I have things to do.

Now, add Anna Faith and then very quickly Samuel. At this point, Nathan was in private school and doing very well. Too well maybe. He was working several grade levels ahead. But private school is expensive, and when you are planning 4 kids...we knew we couldn't keep it up. But we also knew that he would just be in trouble all. day. long. if he went to public school. By this time, I had dropped out of grad school--finished my master's and the coursework for my phd, but I just couldn't stomach leaving my newborn daughter in daycare all day long. The plan was now to stay home with them when they are little, then get back on track when they started school. I had started teaching part-time at local colleges and loved it. I was using my brain, interacting with adults, but still home with the littles during the day. And God just kept beating me over the head with the school issue. It got to the point that not even speaking to some people about this little homeschooling thought in the back of my head, I was hearing that we should (even people who had no connection to homeschooling).

I decided to do 2 weeks of homeschool over the summer to prove to myself and to God that I, in fact, could not do this and He was mistaken. Much to my surprise (and dismay!), we loved it. We all loved it. We couldn't wait to do more. And I finally said, ok, fine God. Let's see how this goes.

At this point, I knew no one who homeschooled and knew of no activities. I dove in. That is how I approach most things. When I finally make a decision, I dive in head first. Getting to that decision might take some pretty stout kicks in the rear, but I am all in when I go for something. I had already been reading books and books on the subject. By this time I had found the Well-Trained Mind, which gave me so much confidence and completely changed the way I was looking at school. Go read it! I started researching non-stop and found co-ops, classes, labs, PE...you name it, it is there. I found a huge homeschooling community in my area.

I have many many reasons I am eternally thankful we homeschool:
-I love knowing my children and getting to see those aha moments instead of those going to their teachers
-I love that my kids know each other. They are truly each other's best friends. I pray that bond lasts through their lifetime.
-We have so much fun
-Behavior is so much improved
-they learn so much and get to explore so much being in a class with a ratio of 5 to 1 (7 to 1)
-life is so much less stressful
-Nathan and I have found our groove and we understand each other now (I hear all the time that "I couldn't homeschool because we just don't get along like that"--I am hear to say that if you spend this kind of time with a child, you will learn how to get along. Homeschooling has improved my relationship with Nathan in ways I couldn't imagine and can't describe without being sappy)
-we can create a lifestyle of learning in our home
-We have made great friends who homeschool
-my kids are well-socialized instead of only being peer-socialized. they can hold interesting conversations with people of all ages in a variety of contexts
-my kids can participate in so much more because of the flexibility of our homeschool and they have so much more free time to read, play, or explore

I could go on and on, but the number one biggest reason I am so thankful we homeschool is Abigial. She was born into a homeschool family and spent all of her 2 years in the middle of us all. She learned, she thrived, and she KNEW her siblings. Nathan didn't miss out on his baby sister because he was away all day. With a 10 year age gap, he probably would not have known her, but I know he wouldn't have carried her around on his hip all day and known all her faces. He had the opportunity to know what made her laugh and what made her scream. He knew her and he adored her. I can't imagine robbing him of that. Now that she is gone, he has memories to cling to because we spent so much time together. He didn't miss out on time with friends or activities. In fact, he gets so much more of both than when he was in school. But now, he also gets time with his family and his siblings. That time is priceless. He will be an excellent father some day.

And in the end, I realize that I am changing the world. It might be a smaller world than I had imagined so long again, but it is the corner of the world that really matters to me. I do teach. I do get to spark some little love of history with a variety of students. What a blessing! But most importantly, I get to be an active part of my children's lives. That is my mission right now. The time they are home with me is so short in the grand scheme of my life. I don't want to miss a minute!

If you homeschool or are considering, I have a fantastic giveaway coming up courtesy of my friend Kathy and the writers of Well-Trained Mind. Look for it in the next few days!

Crazy life

2011-01-13T18:06:00.003-06:00

I feel smack in the middle of adoption craziness now! We have so much going on. Our dossier is finished--just waiting (still) on that darn home study. She needs one letter. According to her today, when that letter gets to her, she will have the home study the next day. Pray the letter comes asap. We will then ship our home study off to immigration for that final piece of paper we need to submit to our country. We are so close. Just need that letter!!

On the fundraising front, we have a cut and color giveaway and a handmade wool soaker giveaway going on. We also are still selling coffee and thirty-one products. We are going to start selling the most awesome t-shirts ever soon. I am going to do an online/in-person bead party Jan. 30 and a couponing class on Feb. 20. We are also working on a huge benefit for the end of Feb. This is so exciting if it all works out. It will involve a yard sale, a carnival of sorts, free concerts, booths for vendors, and lots of food. Wow--what a huge ball of stress, but it will be such a huge blessing. Look for more details soon.

On the get ready front, we are working on our language skills (ok, so it is pretty bad-I'm too old to learn a new language! but I am trying!) and studying up on attachment and the adjustment Grace and Malachi will go through when we bring them home. I can't wait for that day! Malachi's bday is coming up and it is so hard to not be able to hug my little man on his day. We are lining up resources and support for the transition our family will go through. The kids are so excited about the entire process. They have always been apart of our plan to adopt and have been a huge encouragment for us to go for it now.

We are also celebrating the news that 2 families connected to us have now committed to adopt!! It is their news to tell, so I am not sharing names, but praise God! 2 more lives saved! I have spent major time celebrating this news. I have also heard that 2 more children at Grace and Malachi's orphanage have a committed family. Those kids are so close to my heart. I have cried over and prayed over their pictures for months. What amazing news!

Abigail, I so wish you were here to meet your newest siblings. I am sure you would be trying to find a way to boss them around like you do the rest of us. We miss you and always will. I hope we are making you proud by the choices we are making. Your marker should arrive soon baby girl. I am praying over and pondering how to approach your birthday this year. I know there will be lots of pink balloons for you no matter how the day ends up. You are always on my heart and on my mind.

Giveaway! Kate Cut and Color!

2011-01-12T16:35:00.000-06:00

The fabulous Ms. Kate has offered a cut and color to one lucky donator. Kate says that you can get highlights or all over color to go with your cut. This is a $140 value!!! I know a Kate haircut is in high demand, so be sure to jump on this opportunity!! This giveaway will run for one week.

To donate: Just use the donate link on the right there to donate. Each $5 gets you one chance to win a free cut and color. And, if you share on facebook or your blog and tell me about it, I will give you an extra chance. Be sure to comment here or in email so that I know which giveaway you are entering!

If you want to donate, but don't want to donate online, please email me (bldahlen@aol.com). This is open only to those local enough to get to Kate, or willing to travel.

Soaker giveaway still going on until Sunday! Get your entries in!

Bead For Life

2011-01-10T16:53:00.003-06:00

We are hosting a beading party with Bead for Life. This fantastic organization offers handmade beaded jewelry made by women in Uganda. According to their website, "BeadforLife eradicates extreme poverty by creating bridges of understanding between impoverished Africans and concerned world citizens. Ugandan women turn colorful recycled paper into beautiful beads. Women in Northern Uganda gather shea nuts and press them into shea butter for cosmetics and soaps. And people who care open their hearts,homes and communities to buy and sell both products.
The beads and shea butter become income, food, medicine, school fees and hope. It is a small miracle that enriches us all." We are so excited to help this organization out and at the same time fundraise to make a very real difference in the life of two children.

So...save the date! January 30th from 2-4 will be the date of our "party." Come and go as you like between those times and purchse some beautiful pieces. I will also post pics of some pieces on my blog as I get them in closer to the date of the party. I will be happy to ship your jewelry to you if you are not local.

An extra surprise for you...

2011-01-10T16:41:00.003-06:00

I know I said that I would be using the same numbers we used for the ipad to draw for additional prizes, so here goes the first extra prize. I have a gift card here for Darden Restaurants (Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Longhorn Steakhouse, Bahama Breeze, and Seasons 52 Fresh Grill). The winner of this gift card is...

which is...according to my master list...DeAnn Shannon!

Congrats! I will mail this gift card to you today. Thanks for entering the ipad giveaway!

Introducing...

2011-01-10T16:07:00.005-06:00

I wanted to formally take a moment and introduce our prayfully-soon-to-be-added children, especially since we have finally agreed to names!!! Both of these children live in the same groupa in the same orphanage. They know each other and, from what I hear, play well already. I am so thrilled we can welcome them both into our home and hopefully having a buddy they have been living with will ease their transition.

First up is this little beauty who we will call Grace. She will be 4 this summer.

And next is the little boy that stole my heart with his beautiful eyes. We will call him Malachi. His 3rd birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks.

And now for an update...According to our social worker, if all goes as planned, we will be getting our completed home study in the next couple of days. Please pray that all goes well getting that finished. We will then submit our home study to US immigration, and wait again for their approval. As sooon as we get approval from immigration, we will ship the home study and the rest of our dossier (which is already complete) off to Eastern Europe and wait for our country to give us a travel date. I feel so close, yet so far away. Please continue to wrap us in prayer, and pray especially that the last little bit of this home study will be complete and ready this week. Our country will open up again in the beginning of Feb and we want to have our paperwork there as soon as possible.

New Fundraiser! Beautiful Handmade Wool Soaker

2011-01-09T08:00:00.003-06:00

Ok, all you cloth diapering momma's know you want this. This beautiful handmade wool soaker comes from the ultra talented hands of my dear friend Mandy. According to Mandy, the yarn is 100% merino from Uruguay dyed by Mandy herself in a rainbow colorway with coordinating trim. It will fit a wide range of sizes from about 6 months to 18 months. She says she would call it a medium. The measurements unstretched are: waist 14", hips 17", rise 18" and thigh 9". It comes freshly washed and lanolized, ready to use.

To enter: Donate $5 to our adoption fund. Each $5 will get you one chance to win. Be sure you comment here or in email to let me know which giveaway you are entering! Sorry to send you around the world, but we are having issues with buttons!

This giveaway will run for one week. Happy donating!

Secondary grief

2011-01-01T08:00:00.000-06:00

When a person dies, there are so many facets to that loss that aren't obvious to anyone not living through it. Professionals call these additional losses secondary grief. The primary grief is the loss of the individual. That loss--the loss of Abigail is overwhelming and hard enough. But, the secondary grief is there in so many hidden aspect of life. For example, I have the hardest time now doing everyday things like laundry. Not that I ever loved laundry before, don't get me wrong. But now, doing laundry is a constant slap in my face reminder that her clothes will never be in the basket again. Did you hear that? I will never wash clothes for my little girl again. That takes my breath away. It is just one more stabbing reminder of her absence. Serving dinner to my family is another--we are always one plate short. My family, who typically doesn't miss a field trip, has not be on a single one this year. I get snagged every time by the part where you have to say how many adults and how many children are attending. The numbers are just always wrong.

I grieve Abigail, but I also grieve Anna Faith's sister, Samuel's lighthearted innocence, Nathan's hip carry, Eli's too much love. I grieve our future, the way my family functions. I grieve the trauma free childhood I wanted for my children. I grieve the holidays we used to have and the energy I did.

There are things I don't grieve though. I don't grieve the stress I put on myself over minor things. I don't grieve my children's eyes and hearts being closed to other's pain. I don't grieve the friendships and amazing people I have come to know through tragedy. I don't grieve less than sacrificial giving by our family to the hurting of the world. I don't grieve the illusion I lived in where superficial things mattered and pain was hidden. Thank you baby girl for teaching us the important things and for sharing Hope.

Tragedy is so much more complex that I could have ever understood before I walked this path. It affects each and every aspect of a person's life. We have had to rebuild our family and how our family interacts with each other in the physical absence of a key piece. We have had to start rebuilding new traditions and purpose as much as we want to fight this change. Thank you all for being along on this journey.

the mundane

2010-12-31T06:00:00.000-06:00

Since we have committed to adopt, we have been hit with all kinds of struggles. The list includes, but is not limited to, our heat going out, our hot water going out, a flat tire, one car broken down for a month with multiple, unrelated problems every time we thought it was going again, one totalled car, the heat going out in my rented house, and a granite picture falling off the wall and doing major damage. This is a very common story when families move toward following through with the commandment to take care of the orphan. We weren't surprised. However, given what we have gone through this year, our perspective is just to laugh. Those mundane, annoying blips in life have so much less significance now. I have a seriously hard time getting upset over broken down cars and no hot water after living through the death of my baby girl. I have even more of a hard time worrying about a clean house or minor issues with the kids. We have seriously just laughed each time another thing happens right on the heels of fixing the last problem. Each time God has stepped in and shown mercy. Each time, the issue is solved. Yes, I might have had to heat hot water on the stove and wash my hair over the sink, but in light of what I have lived through, it was just a little adventure. I hesitate to say even an inconvienence.

The perspective I have after losing a child is so completely different than I would have had before. I know I don't have control, so why get upset over the small things? This perspective has made the adoptive process so much easier. I can see how the paperchase and snags would be stressful. The before me would have been massively stressed over slow social workers and re-doing documents. The after me could care less. The ultimate goal is a child's life. I am quite willing to fight through the minor bumps along the way.

My husband's blog

2010-12-30T10:29:00.003-06:00

My husband is blogging. Crazy but super cool. He is blowing me away at how willing he is to open his heart and expose his deepest thoughts. He is a very private person, so this is huge. And to have a man willing to step out and vocally advocate for children--wow. Check it out...

lifeabandonmentjourney.blogspot.com

A new year

2010-12-30T09:25:00.003-06:00

2010. A new year. I have such complicated feelings about moving to a new year. Obviously 2010 was the worst year I can imagine. I buried my baby girl. Our family went through and continues to go through intense trauma. How much worse can it get? But, it was also the year I met my sweet, sensitive Eli, the year I started a journey to adoption, and also the last year I held my baby girl. 2011 is a "new year." A year that she will never see. It is a year where I don't get to hold her, touch her, smell her. It is a year that will be completely empty of her physically. Yes, I have memories, but I want her. A move to a new year represents separation and distance for me. It felt this way moving out of April last year, and it is intensified moving into a new year now. It seems wrong that time continues, that life continues when your child is no longer here. A "new year" after the loss of a child isn't a fresh start--I want no such thing. I want a reset button. I want to start 2010 again and change it somehow.

My sweet Eli did not want to sleep last night and thought that I shouldn't get to either. In the many minutes of last night that I sat holding him and battling my nighttime demons, that familiar feeling of dread took over my body again. You know the feeling right? When you just know something bad is going to happen or has just happened. The feeling of your blood running cold and a physical numbness. I live with that feeling on a constant basis now. I try to remind myself that the thing I dread has already happened. It is done and can't be changed, but my body rebels so thoroughly at that thought and continuously waits in this state of dread and horror. Last night was one of the worst in a long time. We got through Christmas, but as I said before, that doesn't feel like accomplishment. We had a very emotional morning yesterday trying to wrap up some of the business side of death. And now I am facing a new year. All of that compiled into a night of anxiety while my Eli woke me up again and again with screams. I wonder if he can sense my mood? I wonder if my emotion was affecting him?

Night is so hard anyway. When I am drifting off to sleep, my mind wonders with little control. In daytime, I can keep my thoughts focused most of the time, but in those just falling asleep moments, and those just waking up moments, I have no control. I can't tell you how much those moments terrify me. The places my mind goes. The moments and feelings I relive are like being stuck in a nightmare so often. Typically now I fall asleep with the tv on and that keeps my thoughts on ancient India or traveling to Mongolia, or whatever late night PBS is showing. Last night though, as I was up again and again with baby boy, I didn't have the distraction of tv and my gut reactions took over. Sleep deprived, alone and in the dark, and dealing with massively stressful events, I suffered through last night like I haven't in a long time.

I know I am not alone walking through this valley, but it is the darkest depths of pain and despair I can imagine. Abigail, even though I feel like this new year is just one more step away from you, I also know that it is one more step toward you again. I know that even with all the dread and horror I feel now, I wouldn't change one single minute of the time I did have with you. I am greedy for more. I am hungry for reunion. I am praying for dreams of you when I sleep even though they leave me shattered when I wake up and you are gone.

I guess what I am trying to say to anyone reading this, through my foggy brain with no sleep is this--in your celebration, remember those hurting around you. People are dealing with loss and grieving. Death is real and all around you. Children are suffering alone around the world--hungry and afraid. In this new year, do something about it. Make a difference in the lives of those hurting around you. Don't make this year about stuff. Make it about people. That knowledge, of those around me hurting as deeply and even more than I am drives me right now. I want to pull in grieving parents and abandoned children. Whatever it is that drives you, do something. Make a difference. Help someone through the long nights like I just had. It is far too easy to put blinders on and isolate ourselves from reality. The night I just had is every night for some of these children around the world.

Proverbs 24:12 the Message Bible

2010-12-27T20:03:00.000-06:00

"Rescue the perishing;
don’t hesitate to step in and help.
If you say, “Hey, that’s none of my business,”
will that get you off the hook?
Someone is watching you closely, you know—
Someone not impressed with weak excuses."

Dear Abigail on Christmas

2010-12-26T19:25:00.003-06:00

Dear Little Bit,
Christmas without you was awful. I thought of you every step of the way. Buying presents for 4 and not 5, wrapping for 4 not 5, putting out gifts for 4 not 5. It all felt so wrong. It is wrong that you aren't here. It isn't fair and we feel that hole so vividly. Each step and each moment, we thought of how things would be different if you were here. What would you have wanted? What would you have said about the lights and Santa this year? You loved him last year. You loved every moment of the holiday. This year would have been such fun.

We kept you in our family's Christmas though. We hung your stocking. We each wrote down letters and memories of you. Your stocking is stuffed to overflowing with the thoughts we have of you and the things we want to say to you. Anna Faith was insistant that Santa would leave you some candy canes and he did. Samuel couldn't stop writing memories and drawing pictures. Nathan wrote you a letter. We all miss you so much.

We went on Christmas day to visit your grave. I like to be there. I feel closer to you. Your big present, your marker, is not a present I ever wanted to buy for you. I hope it does you justice. It will be here soon. We also had other gifts for you--a dolphin you would have loved and a bible verse stone. These things are just momentos for us to feel connected to you from so far away. It wasn't right to have Christmas and not have presents with your name on them under the tree, so we put some there and each of your siblings got to open one and leave it at your grave.

It snowed on Christmas. I know how you would have reacted. You got to see snow before you left us. You did not like the wet or the cold. You did not like the white flakes falling from the sky--too much like the dreaded rain. But you still went out and braved it all. You marched through that snow with purpose...until you fell on your behind and pitched a complete fit. I don't blame you-I don't like snow either. Would you have thought differently of the snow now? My only thoughts on it this year was that it kept me from spending as much time with you as I wanted at your grave.

I think of you as barely 2 still in my head. I can't imagine what you would be like now at 2 1/2. I have a good idea what you should look like since you look just like your big sister, but you are such your own person in personality. I ache to know how you would talk and the things you would know and what your preferences would be now.

We made it through Christmas without you but I missed you every second and everyone else did also. We didn't do much celebrating to be honest. We are celebrating your life and God's love in other ways this year.

I love you princess and always will.

Christmas, movies, and orphans oh my

2010-12-26T18:57:00.005-06:00

First of all, I really only have random things to say, but I feel the need to get some thought down, so here I sit. I don't promise coherency.

We were so honored to be in the newspaper on Christmas. Wow. What a great opportunity to get the message out on how desperate these children are around the world. Why wait? Go get them. They need and deserve families. I am praying this article will impact Birmingham in a big way. If you haven't read it, you can find it on www.al.com

Christmas was...impossible. Thank you for all the prayers and words of support. I don't know how to even explain it. The lead-up was full of anxiety and horror. The actual days were excruciating. But here I sit on the other side. Do I feel satisfaction that I made it? No. I feel defeated that I had Christmas without my baby girl. Some people tell me that this will get easier as time goes on. I don't want it to. Does that make sense? I do not want it to get easier. If it gets easier, that means, I am getting used to living this life without my child. That is so completely wrong. I will never be used to it. I hope and pray it doesn't get "easier." I can see being able to fake it, but I refuse to do that also, so don't expect Christmas to be "easier" for me next year. Expect that I will again suffer through now 2 Christmases without my baby. The only thing worse that 1 without her is 2. I don't want that to sound bitter, although I am sure it does. I just want to be honest.

On Christmas day we went to a movie--just Michael and I. We had a gift card. Our kids went to a grandparent's house to celebrate the holiday and we went to the movies to forget for a bit. The movie was ok. Haven't seen anything good in a long time. It takes a lot to impress me these days. Look in the face of death and eternity and see how impressed you are with the new cheesy romantic comedy I used to love. It wasn't the movie that I walked away thinking about, however. It was the preview before the movie that struck me.

The preview was for a new Disney movie about orphaned baby animals from around the world. It might have been out for a long time, but I never go to the movies, so it was new to me. It was absolutely freaking adorable. You know the kind of images that make you giggle and sigh and feel gooey inside because baby elephants drinking from bottles and baby chimps playing are just so stinking cute. I want one or 2 of them. Animaniacs anyone? I want to hug them and squeeze them and call them mine.

What struck me when I finished oohing and ahhing though was that these orphaned animals, as adorable as they are, were getting so much attention--a major motion picture by Disney!! Awesome--great cause! Yet, what are the human orphans around the world getting? Why are we not standing on the rooftops screaming their story? Why are we not swimming across the ocean to rescue them? Why are stories about 13 pound 3 year olds and 15 pound 8 year olds hidden and not told? Why oh why are we not outraged at the injustices these kids face living day in and day out without a family? Why don't we act? If they were your child, how would you want them treated? Set aside because of their age or their needs? Cast off? Where is the major motion picture? Where is the call to help? A newspaper article is a good start. Like I said, I was honored to be their voice for a moment. But they need so many more voices. They need people stepping up and living life and going for them. They need you to cast aside your worries and your fears. Yes, you might have to give up cable or your big screen to afford it. Yes, you might give up some movie nights and not get to see the Disney orphaned animals movie (don't worry--it will be $1 in redbox soon). You might even have to scale back Christmas next year. However, you will get to offer life to a child. You will make all the difference in that child's life. And your life will have meaning because of theirs. You will find blessing. Donate sure. Sponor others definitely. But go get them.

The Winner!

2010-12-22T08:09:00.006-06:00

I want to say congrats to all of you!! I know that I only have one to give, but each of you has helped contribute to save a life. What better prize is there? I wish I had more than one to give to all of you. You all have been so incredibly generous donating to our adotopion fund!! Almost 100 people have donated over the past week and a half to our adoption fund. I can't tell you how much that means to us.

I think we will keep these numbers and draw for a second prize in the next week or so--as an extra thank you.

To make sure we were completely fair here, Michael used the random number generator at random.org from work. I had the list of numbers and names at home. He sent me the number the website drew and I matched to to the person assigned that number.

And the winner is...

Number 980309...

LINDA MORUSAN!!

Congrats Linda! Since you are not local, I will get this in the mail to you today! Merry Christmas!

Suffering

2010-12-20T09:52:00.003-06:00

On my wall..."Hope...rejoice in our suffering, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance-character and character hope... Romans 5:3". I definitely have the suffering thing down...not so much the rejoicing...

Heaviness and Hope

2010-12-19T20:08:00.002-06:00

My heart is heavy tonight for those suffering through Christmas without their child. It is heavy for those children around the world going through Christmas without the love of a parent. It is heavy for those caught up in the materialism and mundane struggles of life. It is heavy for those who rush through each minute or waste them in escapism. It is heavy for those who feel like life has no purpose, and for those who know purpose and meaning, but feel helpless to do anything about it.

We have so much wrong in the way we live life most of the time. We obsess and worry about finding the perfect Christmas gift and how much is enough or too much, but there are children with nothing, not even the clothes on their backs. There are parents who want nothing but to hold their child one more time. All the rest seems ridiculous to me now. I am normally the first to get caught up in the rush and the busyness and the buying at Christmas. This Christmas, I just feel overwhelmed and heavy with the loneliness, the pain, the death, the hunger, the ache of those around me here and across the world. I've heard horror stories in the past few days of the life children are having to live in various places in the world. I've heard horror stories from parents who have been separated from their children by accidents that seem so frustrating and unecessary. They are real people living real lives that feel like nightmares.

No amount of escapism is going to fix these problems. I can't sit and do nothing. I can't sit knowing there are orphans desperate for families. I can't sit knowing there are grieving parents that need someone to hear them. I know that horror and pain. The hope comes in knowing this is not my home. Why do we feel so out of place here? Why do so many bounce around from one thing to another, seeking to entertain themselves and find happiness, but never really feeling satisfied? How do I keep moving even when I want to dig my hole next to my Abigail? Hope. I have hope. I have God-induced, God-given, God-originated hope. I will not sit and do nothing. I will go around the world to save a life. I will reach out to those hurting. Not because I have the answers or can solve all the problems, but because He has given me hope.

Dear Abigail

2010-12-16T08:37:00.003-06:00

Dear Little Bit,
Christmas shopping now is unbearable. Everywhere I go, I see little things I might have been buying you. I can't help but agonize over how big you might have been by now, or what you might have been able to say, or what you would like to do. You were so much life in our family. You were joy. You were entertainment. You were a limitless supply of cuteness. You were my sidekick. I feel like I have lost part of me. My arm aches to hold you. My hand aches to hold yours. I feel the echo of you in all I do.

When Daddy crashed the car last week, I cried. Yes, I was afraid for him, but I was also grieving that one more tangible loss of you. Your car seat was still in that car. I couldn't take it out. Your scuff marks were on the back of my seat. Your fingerprints were on that window. I have no reason to put your car seat back in the new car and that knowledge is suffocating.

I wake up each morning so frustrated. I am so frustrated that this happened. I am frustrated that we are now separated. I am frustrated that I have to wait so very long to be with you again. I want to scream and yell and rant and rave most of the time. My heart hurts. But I know that just putting my head back under the covers and screaming is not honoring to you, although you did your fair share of screaming yourself...So while I do sometimes scream--from the horror, from the frustration-- some of the time I find the courage to get up and put one step in front of the other. You give me that courage, my spunky baby. Your story is not our destruction.

I so wish I could see you with Eli now. Your baby is all over the place and into everything. You two would have been a fantastic team, and I wish I could be cleaning up the mess in your wake. I know how you adore him and I hurt for not seeing that interaction more than 5 short weeks.

I so wish I could see the joy, shock, and surprise on your face Christmas morning. I live for that. I am normally giddier than you guys on Christmas and usually end up waking you up instead of the other way around. You were so happy on Easter. I can only imagine what this Christmas would have been like. I feel robbed of that.

I hunger for your smell, your touch, your life. I want nothing more than to see your big brown eyes and your dimple again. I think of you non-stop. We have your marker ordered finally. I hope it at least shows people you. I wanted it to be you. I want people walking through that cemetery to see you. To know that you were a little life taken too soon. But more than that, I want you to change lives. And you have baby girl. You will never be forgotten. I will continue to share your story and your passion with the world.

I'm just so sorry you aren't here with us. Mommy loves you my sweet little bit.

You

2010-12-16T08:35:00.001-06:00

You all have been so amazing. The support we have felt--through grief and through adoption--is so much more than I could have ever thought possible. With each donation that comes in, no matter the size, my family has felt amazement, blessing, but also burden. We know that times are tough and this is a season of very stretched budget, but you have made sacrifices to help us ransom a little girl's life. When I say ransom, I mean just that. You are helping to literally save her life. We are beyond thankful and very aware of the responsibility of these gifts you have given us. Adoption is an expensive road. We have complete faith that God will provide the needed financing. We can not just sit by and do nothing while children wait. There are so many waiting. So many without hope. So many hurting. Thank you so much for helping us spread a little of Abigail's HOPE.

Consider making a difference in the life of a waiting child this holiday season. There are so many wonderful organizations out there--help sponsor a specific orphan for a year, host an orphan for a month in the summer or over Christmas, or give to families adopting. Help us bring those children home. Go get them yourselves! I am happy to help if you feel moved to do any of those things. We can't just sit and wait. We have to act. Just ask me about the life of an orphan in our little girl's country and you will see why they can't wait. No, you can not solve the orphan crisis yourself, but you can make all the difference in the life of one. What is the value of one changed life? Is it worth a little sacrifice?

Sling Giveaway Winner!

2010-12-15T17:02:00.004-06:00

Sorry I am late in the day getting this posted. Congrats to my sling winner! You are going to love this beautiful sling and the super cute baby legs!

Congrats Gabe! I will be mailing these out tomorrow!

2010-12-14T07:56:00.003-06:00

I wrote a whole blog post and my computer deleted it. No time now to re-write. I should have time tonight. It is hard to get upset about little things like that when I spent my whole night dreaming about my baby girl on that table in the hospital. Anyway, I had some thoughts on Romans 8:28 I wanted to share. This is a verse I've struggled with.

Don't forget to enter the iPad giveaway and let me know if you want to sell tickets! My sling giveaway is up for 1 more day. Still a great chance to win there.

Massage Gift Card Winner!

2010-12-12T20:50:00.006-06:00

Congrats to my winner! I love doing these giveaways. It is so much fun to give these prizes away. I wish I had enough to give to you all. Thanks for another successful one. The sling giveaway is open for a couple of more days. Don't forget to order your goodies from Thirty-one and Just Love Coffee also! See to the right for our ongoing fundraisers...

And now for what you have been waiting for...This time Nathan wanted to help...

Congrats Mendi! Your gift card will be in the mail today.